Having not written on this blog since it opened, there would be some kind of expectation of me.
2nd to sign up, 4th to actually write, my blog will not be on anything about self discovery or realisations. My blog will be about my feelings at the moment. My current depressing thoughts, my viscous workings of my brain bringing stinging tears to my eyes, which i simply must wipe away, grin and bear it. Not now. You're about to read about Amanda's inner workings of late.
A simple image of two friends can mean so much. You know the kind, the ones where you huddle in close, extend your arm, smile, pose, whatever, and snap that time of your life.
For me, i have done this many times, and the one i am about to talk about was the source of an explosion of controversy, and hatred.
Gaining entry to a friendship is one thing, but keeping that friendship alive is a whole nother piece of work. It's not as simple as it's depicted in the movies, i'm sure that we all know that, but when it comes to a point when the pain from the friendship's woes hits you smack bang in the middle of your chest and weighs you down for days, weeks, months, you know that this friendship is not what it used to be.
Picture a girl and a boy. Friends for years, snapped in a picture at christmas time. How do you know it's christmas time? There is a christmas tree behind them. They are happy, they are enjoying their friendship, and feel like the other person will be there for them, no matter what.
Now picture these two people, 5 months on. What do you expect to see? Are they still happy? Staying up late on the phone, falling asleep talking to one another about the smallest things, from what's on tv, to the problems of their lives? No.
The girl sits at home, lonley, destroyed. The boy is not moping as the girl is, but more so gleefully dancing around the burning ashes of the image from christmas. Not the entire image mind you, just the girl's half. Cut completely out, into little pieces, and set alight.
The burning in the girl's chest is not from the image melodramatically being singed and ridiculed, its from the pain she feels at the idea of such idiocy, rudeness, hatred. This was not the way the friendship was meant to sway. This was not the correct solution to a minor issue.
News of this vengful act came forward, as it naturally would, and the pain increases in the girls heart, the tears in her eyes become blisteringly painful, and her whole world is directed at hating herself for being hated. Go outside, scream, jump around, breath deeply with your eyes shut, that won't quite fix it little girl, but it will sure get at least some of your frustration out.
Then, picture a little less than a month later. The girl now so determined on her work, ignoring the outer world so much so that her ipod blasts music into her ears, that she doesn't really like. Trance, hip hop, techno, its all there pounding into her ears. Tap on the shoulder, swift turn around. There is the boy. An instant ripple of shock strikes through her body. What will happen? Is the boy planning on setting her alight in reality? Has he come to apologise?
Not quite. Be more mature. We're both acting like children. Let's grow up. Things are reasonably on good terms now. But the girl is now so full of hatred against the boy that she finds it hard to forgive the 2 months of neglect, of hurtful terms and abusive actions. It's not fair, and this was definatly not meant to happen. THE GIRL WAS NOT MEANT TO FEEL GUILT. SHE SHOULD NOT STILL HATE THE BOY!!!
But it is hard. The pain is still there, inside my heart, inside my mind, inside my soul.
Today i had beared witness to the other side of the image. The boy. On his own, with jaggered cuts along his right side, where the girl once sat beside him. Seeing the image brought on the feeling of aloneness, and instantly, the girl wanted to grab the picture and set it alight, dance around it and then claim she was not lame or idiodic while doing so.
Friendships do end, and even though there is a possibility of them eventuating to normal, it doesn't happen. Things will never be the same, and even though i sit there, bravely smiling and joking with him, its not the same. I am not ready to forgive and forget.
This blog is written about my feelings. I am sick and tired of writing something, ok so i write online, get the fuck over it tart, and then getting judged by it. Don't say that, don't bitch about other people. What else should a person do? Keep it inside? Councelling is an extreme idea, but getting things out is the best way of relieving the pain inside my chest.
Judge me on this blog, and this blog alone, and if there is the slight glimmer of identical feelings in your own heart, don't hesitate to write. If this blog had a negative effect on you, saying nothing is sometimes the best thing you can do.
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1 comment:
Theres not much I can say other than state the obvious here, i do agree with you to certain extents because i havent lived through such things as this, im usually one to avoid conflict.
anyway, its only natural for two people to pour their hearts into one another to share more of a friendship and would lull you into believing that theres potential for it to become a better-to-best friendship...but as time goes on, people change, events occur and things rarely work out they way they do in your head.
I never encourage people to keep feelings to themselves, because it does more damage than people presume. This is something I do actually know. my brushes with depression may have been the worst days of my life, but the least i could do was learn from them. this is something i learned. if you pour your feelings into a bottle, it will fill...and you will force more into the bottle and it will begin to overflow. the bottle cannot handle having more feelings than it should before it erupts. so do not regret what you have written. take it as something that has been lifted off your chest. a relief.
i write almost everyday, i have a private blog, that plays of the role of a daily diary, this site, where i just ponder thoughts, events, make realizations and myspace, that i usually write to 'publicly' show off my passion...as egocentric as it sounds. it find it a great relief when i just throw out exactly how i feel onto virtual paper. this may not work for everyone, but it is my own personal therapy.
i cannot remember the exact quote, or the person who said it but it went something like "Someone who has read only a few of my books is an enemy, someone who has read 1000 is my friend."
i think what he was trying to say was that, you cant make authentic judgments on a first book. only criticize. however, when someone has written so much as 1000, then you would understand the writer better.
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