Depth

With guilt he looked upon the mirror …searching
Looking back at him was not his true self

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young

An identical stranger had been created

The real truth was exposed…

rockstars

i spend a lot of time pretending to be a rockstar these days. maybe you would too, if you lived in a modest but slightly chipped up city bungalow with your parents and five brothers and sisters - all five younger than you - and they were all determined to grow into respectable and nondescript [but nice] sorts of people. if you were a tall, big-boned blonde tomboy with the soul of a girl who sometimes looks like meg white and sometimes looks like sweet little ghetto pixie, but who always looks a hundred times more mod than yourself.

but back to the rockstars.

i've been thinking that even people in bands must pretend to be People in Bands, and sometimes they must get so good with their act that we can't tell the difference. that happened to the beatles. the beatles dripped cool. they were so cool they were more human than the rest of us poor wretches and that's why we loved them. because they were rockstars. [because they were cool.] it's all about being cool these days, now that we've seen what those wonderful delinquents can do.

so usually my daydream phases in when i'm stuck at home babysitting and smack in the middle of some spiritual crisis. somehow People in Bands can get away with looking for baby jesus and somehow i can't. i didn't pray more than possibly three words today, but i pretended to be bono instead. i preserved a few shreds of integrity by pretending. boom! paradoxical magic.

i spent an hour watching post-punk gigs from 1981 on youtube today and started to cry. those fresh-faced boys on stage were so cool that they could act real. the kids in the mosh pits looked positively alive. even the grainy videos screamed energy and desperation and exhileration. god seems much more likely to want to listen to them. sometimes i think god lives at shows, where are the cool people are begging to find him.

but all of this pretending gets frustrating.

The Cult In Culture*

I love meeting new people from diversities that I never imagined I could divulge. I don't condone separate groups or labels, or anything that can can potentially alienate/ discriminate against someone. I'm not for that at all. Acceptance is very important in an evolving society. I was talking to a lady who had interests only for women. The lesbian culture has a stereotypical touch to it. Which is sad. But as I was talking to her I understood that it's hard enough to be who are and also fit in with the crowd you are forced to reside with. Believe it or not, even homosexuals have the underlying code and each person must somehow fit into this scheme or else they are excluded. A 'straight' world can be unforgiving, though as times are changing, thankfully, as are the peoples opinions. Though this is a slow transition, it is apparent. That is merely one crowd to please, the other is the gay community. I was told that by wearing a dress to a gay club she was perceived immediately as a heterosexual. When I think gay community, I think exactly how the media represents them. Fiercely sexually driven, revealing fashion, obnoxious and the writhing for a one-night-stand or at the most a minimal commitment "high school" relationship. I can't say that there are no gays like that, but I can safely say there are NOT. I can't even say the majority are like this. For example, is every Iranian a terrorist? That's complete idiocy. Maybe the way a few people have acted has reflected poorly on their upbringing and culture and that in itself is a sad thing to accept. Some merely want to survive and never wished to imagine their lives confined in an eternal war. It's hard enough to be who are, let alone be accepted.

*There is a previous post with the same title but it manages to fit perfectly here again, so I've used it twice.

i don't have time for a nicely-structured, well-researched post tonight. i am upset.

the more i look around me, the more i realize that i know nothing. i don't even know how to look, or what to look for. as obsessed with photography as i am, i do not have even a basic understanding of how a camera captures images. math in school is becoming more of a struggle and a worry every day, since i've decided that i not only want to memorize the formulas, terms, and procedures, but do my best to comprehend them as well. i am not content to create without knowing how, and i am not content to express my ideas to others, since i know that my worldview is full of holes. i am finished with the idea that "logical" science and "human" art must remain separate. they both deal with ultimate truth, and "the way things really are" don't they? euclid's theorems can be called beautiful can't they? but so can a norman rockwell painting. i want to know how and if the two [science and art] can be reconciled. i want to know the value and proper function of human emotions. i want to know if i can honestly say that God fits in with my own idea of reality.

but my information is woefully incomplete. i am going half-crazy trying to learn, and to synthesize my new knowledge into true opinions. in some ways it astonishes me to see everyone around me blissfully oblivious to the staggering questions surrounding them, but, on the other hand, they are blissful and i am desperate.

Beginnings

"The first message was a confession.
The second was a separation.
The third is a proposal.

I'm sorry for all these messages. my aunt who calls herself a 'white witch' believes that superstition is real. She said that anything that happens in life, will always happen 3 times and then a curse is broken. I plan for this to be my third and last message to you."

After all the things I've gone through it's almost comical, even trivial to realize that it was just the beginning of things. Just when I thought something ends perpetually in my life, it marks the beginning of the very same thing. Call it a prelude. Call it the introduction to how things will now be.

Above is the introduction to a letter that I wrote to someone. It is a letter about love, but it is definitely not a love letter. It was the third of its kind. And honestly, I thought it ended there. Being the introspect that I am, I tend to reflect on myself a lot. I failed to notice that things were actually happening outside of me. I failed to notice that it was the start of the relationship.

Everything has an ending but I don't see the enjoyment in skipping the chapters to find that out. So its safe to assume that this chapter in my life has a prologue. The new character is introduced and now the transformation between two people will finally begin.

I've noticed that a lot of posts here have been inclusive, they were made to include everyone. So I guess I've broken the routine with this lovely egocentric post.

Words

Did you ever hear the story or even, legend of the man who killed a community with just his words? I'll briefly share the tale for you. A man entered a church one day and over time convinced the entire community that he was an alien sent to Earth to save that community from the Earths destruction. With mere words he persuaded the community to die for him, and he later killed himself believing his story. It's not my place to say that he was not an alien, how would I know? But I do know this.

I remember reading the Bible one day and I've completely forgotten where the scripture is but it had written something along the lines of "there is life and death in your words", and it's true. A man somehow convinced an entire community (and perhaps himself) that he was there to save them. The result was that they all died.

So next time you converse with a friend and say lightheartedly "you're stupid", "you're gay", "you can't do it", odds are they will disregard it but before they do it will most likely be considered if only for a second. I don't care what anyone says, if one man can con a community into committing suicide then he is one great speaker. So if I used just my words and passion and expressed them to others could that give life to the community?

Life Inside A Bottle

It has been a while since i have posted or even checked AYWF. I promised myself so much for this, the new me, the new feeling i had inside. I guess i am fake? or maybe it was just wishful thinking.

All my life i have always felt the urge to let everything inside me out, to just one night, day, evening let everything i am feeling about life, hope, love, family, and anything else inside ones life. I hold back and i 'bottle up' and continue living as if the bottle top is screwed on to its absolute maximum.

Ive shown signs of bursting out, whether its an emotional rage, or an act of kindness. I tell myself, who is willing to take anything and everything i have to say, some of the stuff i do not even think that friends will stay to hear. Am i frightened? scared? emotional? i feel like i should stay bottled up to protect those around me.

Every time i burst i have the feeling that its going to actually all come out, somehow im residing as the burst of anger i display is growing. Is that possible? Every post on AYWF is resembling some form of me. I am not really thinking of others, i just write. I realise that being bottled up your losing air, to breath, to live. Maybe it is suppose to be that way, that someday im going to be my own downfall, that i would die because there was something that needed to be said and i never let it out.

For every burst i unleash upon someone, i feel like i am opening up a hole inside the bottle, my life. I gasp for air on so many occasions that i feel the need to burst. How much longer can i drag this out before i run out of air? To be free? to live life to the full? I am a mind of questions yet when it comes to asking someone a question i am in a deep hole filled with nothing but white writing on white walls. There are days in which i feel like i could burst out and free myself from the suffering, but there are days where i think about it so much that it makes the bottle cap tighter.

Live life to the full ey', place that fake plastic smile upon my face and say everything is ok once again. Its just another day i say, another day in paradise *voice turns sarcastic*. Live and be free, life is just another cliche.

Carpe Diem: The New Revolution

Maybe Darwinism is real. Maybe Jesus is Lord. Maybe we do get reincarnated. Maybe we enter the ‘void’ of nothingness. Maybe you don’t care where you’re from or where you’ll go. Maybe we are looking at the same thing differently. Instead of the things that separate us, like faith, spirituality, sexual preferences, gender, age, race or whatever else it might be, we are human and in that sense, we will always be the same.

Whether we have or have not evolved from monkeys and apes, we always distant ourselves from animals. It seems the only thing humans and animals have in common are out five senses and the urge to reproduce (in most cases). I’d like to think that a world without humans would be the ultimate Garden of Eden. No intelligence, arrogance or pride to destroy forests, valleys and the purest of blue skies.

Inattentively, over time humans considered their existence timeless. We made ourselves eternal at the cost of having our surroundings suit us and all other forms of life had been dubbed not extensive enough to be cared about, and so they die. We say ‘The’ world because there is only one. Civilization shows the separation of ourselves and the overall ‘want’ for something more. Be it more land, a higher status, excess money, we all crave something more. Instead of existing to follow an endless line of trends from an endless line of followers, why don’t we detract to something more personal or even more beneficial? We choose to thrive for more in all the wrong areas.

I want you to join a revolution. Just like decades ago, where wars doused the skies in black smoke, hippies slid roses into gun barrels, people protested, walls were pushed over and politicians mouths left ajar without a hint of comprehension as to what his people wanted. It’s as if when the Beatles released their last album, when Bob Dylan left the microphone stand or even when the influence and stage presence from Nirvana had ceased, once the bands went so did the crowd.

It is in my personal and best interest to inherit a care for the world and its inhabitants. Don’t take my words as an ‘action’, the action never left. Wars continue and so does the blabber of politicians, the skies are stained, the waters rising and time is escaping us all. This message is just awareness. This is me letting you know that I want to do something. Everything you know, everything you ever learning in school cannot compare to the things that you teach yourself. Where did the desire to nurture one another come from? I can’t be sure, but I’ll embrace it. It could be a human instinct placed into our minds by the hand of God or perhaps we had adopted our ways from animals and their families. Text book knowledge and worldly knowledge are two different things. Text books cannot emphasize heart strains, tragedies and triumphs. It is you. This is your life and the world is at your feet, not your shoulders. You are the difference and together we are the change.

I want you to feel empowered. I want you to pick someone up when they are down. Everybody is fighting a battle, even you, together we can overcome anything. There are two things we need in life: knowledge and experience. So learn as much you can, never stop learning. Then with your knowledge I implore you to graze your knees, get your hands dirty, push yourself to the edge and question all your answers. I want you to question exactly what you are doing, why you are doing it and most of all I want you to question yourself. Are you happy the way you are? Every time you oppose yourself from a mirror, is it you or an image of somebody you are trying to be?

Nobody should ever feel worthless, hopeless or alone. Nobody should ever feel poverty-stricken, starved or suffered. I’ve cast an oath to do everything I can possibly do to make a difference in this world, because the things I’ve seen, the utmost cruelty and hatred that flows through so many individuals veins is enough for me to stop cursing at the television screen and go to the source of these problems.

Last week I was minding my own business eating a sandwich that my mother had made and a man came up to me with a McDonalds bag offering it to me. I refused, I had food but he simply replied “if you don’t like it, throw it away.” Soon after the man vanished and I was left with a medium sized Big Mac meal. I struggled to eat the chips and drink but eventually proved victorious. However I was left with a burger. I dragged my feet to bin and stared at the lid, “what a waste” I say to myself. I walk past the bin and out onto the street, there’s a man sitting at a bench, his clothes stained with what appears to be irremovable black marks, he had a grayed beard and also seemed to adopt a barrier or force field in which no person would dare penetrate. It was the type of invisible barrier that indicated that he was a threat to our society. I decided to walk through this barrier and I offered him the burger. Of course he took it and a smile stretched across his face. We had a brief conversation and I ventured off into the library.

My actions that day were rewarding to me, but they would not have been existent if it weren’t for that man. So your first step is to simply do something nice. You never know where it may lead. I fed a homeless man and the feeling that is inherited from that action cannot be put into words. So please, if you are the hopeful, loving and caring individual you are then act.

You don’t need to save a world to be a hero, your words may give life to someone, your presence may give someone purpose, your love will be the movement in someone else’s life. You are needed in this world and you are loved.

(I'd also like to welcome Miki to the AYWF!! Make yourself at home! :D)

Other

hello again. i haven't been writing as much as usual lately. i just finished up with a new issue of my zine, and i feel a little drained. but i've been experimenting with some different kinds of pretty art. i've made 2 patchwork pillows. i've been drawing and doing a lot of photographatating. today i tried sewing together a journal using scrap paper from my zine printing, and it turned out really well. i've been practing my violin, and i haven't been taking everything quite so seriously. it feels good. wholesome. comforting. i like creating things.

A heart can bare no sight (the forbidden love blog)

When you look for love in forbidden places, sure, it's exciting, until you realize you just shouldn't be there. Forbidden love is forbidden for a reason. In a way, it's the best kind of love. It's an infatuation on ecstasy. But forbidden love comes at a high price. Don't forget forbidden places are the places we should never breach. Just because I thought this could be different. I was wrong. I wasn't meant to be there at all. What happened when I walked past the line and into a forbidden place? It was something that held no definition since it was forever changing. I loved it. I hated loving it. I loved hating to love it. I accepted that I loved to hate the fact that I loved it. And I kept going only realize that in the forbidden place I kept hurting myself.

The forbidden place is dark, you cant see. Love is blind. Forbidden love is also blind. Despite the cuts and bruising of a trying heart, I kept telling myself it wasn't worth it but deep down all I wanted was the affection of the other person. It wasn't that I was denied affection. It was that I knew it wouldn't last forever. They knew it wouldn't last forever. I was not ignorant. I'm never ignorant. I just refused to know. I simply rejected the idea and only hoped that I could speak a vow. That one vow that actually meant something to me "Till death do us part".

Ever seen those movies that say "love makes you do stupid things?" it's an understatement. Love is something that scars. It makes reproduction have meaning. It makes you long for more each and every time.

If only I could fall in love in the right place, with the right person. In another way, forbidden love is the worst kind of love. Because one day you will leave the forbidden place of which you invented yourself and your infatuation.

AMENDMENT:
"I go to seek a great perhaps."~Francois Rabelais
Sometimes I wonder if everything I find is mere coincedence. Like it comes at the most perfect time. When everything is at the exteme low, there will be a sudden high. This morning, reading other peoples blogs (I shamefully admit I enjoy doing that) I came across this quote. It never crossed my mind that the fact we do the things we do is to only hope for a better outcome than the one we already have. Why do I keep pushing myself in the dark of a forbidden love? Because I'm seeking a rarity of an opportunity. Perhaps...