i don't have time for a nicely-structured, well-researched post tonight. i am upset.

the more i look around me, the more i realize that i know nothing. i don't even know how to look, or what to look for. as obsessed with photography as i am, i do not have even a basic understanding of how a camera captures images. math in school is becoming more of a struggle and a worry every day, since i've decided that i not only want to memorize the formulas, terms, and procedures, but do my best to comprehend them as well. i am not content to create without knowing how, and i am not content to express my ideas to others, since i know that my worldview is full of holes. i am finished with the idea that "logical" science and "human" art must remain separate. they both deal with ultimate truth, and "the way things really are" don't they? euclid's theorems can be called beautiful can't they? but so can a norman rockwell painting. i want to know how and if the two [science and art] can be reconciled. i want to know the value and proper function of human emotions. i want to know if i can honestly say that God fits in with my own idea of reality.

but my information is woefully incomplete. i am going half-crazy trying to learn, and to synthesize my new knowledge into true opinions. in some ways it astonishes me to see everyone around me blissfully oblivious to the staggering questions surrounding them, but, on the other hand, they are blissful and i am desperate.