I'm such a recluse. I complain and complain and don't tackle these problems that keep strolling along my path. I just bypass to step around it and keep on walking. I need to stop that. I just need to stop and figure out this issue that has been brought up. There is more to my life but it comes as it does, not all at once. I want the change, the passions, the dreams, the lessons to all hit me at once. But life gives you the tragedy and then the lesson, not the other way around.
I sometimes feel that I need to thrive for the inspiration to be who I want to be. I fail to notice that I know what I want but I'm just too lazy to get it. Then I hear 'it's better to try and fail, than fail to try'. It's just so true to the point that the real catastrophe of my life will be my laziness, my seclusion in my room. And I see this everyday, where people just stay content but NEVER consistent. They try and fail but become content and soon after they will lower their expectations of their next more effortless achievement.
I keep changing myself to suit these surroundings. My surroundings affect me, and change me so easily that sometimes I don't even notice. I don't want to change, I want to stay consistent. The things that I want, I actually want. Because it appeals to me personally, not to everyone else. So what if my goal does not assure money. I need to try. Try and fail or try and succeed.
It's not that I need an omnipotent force to give me insight to my future, to shade me of my insecurities. I don't need to run to God for everything. I don't need to pray every problem. I am not a drone. I refuse to be a Christian shielded by a barrier that promotes ignorance and amplifies my insecurities. This is life. I face life like everyone else. I'm not living in the Christian bubble anymore. I'm living as a human. I will make these mistakes and I'll learn from them. I'll fail and succeed. We can change the world if we wanted to. You are so naive if you think you can't.
Friday, 28 September 2007
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
elevator music
who invented elevator music? who decided to play hollow love songs in the jungle of consumerism? who decided to rob music of its soul by relegating it to background noise? who decided to produce ridiculous songs for this very purpose?
i hate retail. i hate the way corporations and companies manipulate ideas and experiences and twist them into shapes to fit company goals. music isn't the only thing that has suffered. it's a wonder there are any humans left in the lower working class, what with employees having to put up with this fascade day after week after year.
too many good things have been exploited until their only identity is found in something related to making money. businesses use simple, sappy music and "friendly associates" to give customers the impression that their store is somehow less sullied by the "squeeze every last drop" mentality, and has retained a "personal" quality. really the business has found this to be the most effective way to increase profits. what effect does this have on first world society? we spend most of our time buying, selling, and consuming. shopping is almost a cure-all antidote for boredom.
because the pattern i discussed is repeated so often, the "human qualities" have lost their own substance, namely, the quality of being human. what do i mean by "human"? i mean a state of being that involves intellect and emotions and experiences that define humans as all that they are. the mindless emotion in most elevator music, and the heartless economic ambition of a chain retailer are not what i consider displays of "humanity", at least not at a desirable or fulfilled level.
people have traded in wonderful encounters and experiences and things for the stripped-down versions you find in the mall. more, easier, faster, cheaper - less important. even if you don't consider the fact that all of this convenience is facilitated by millions of impoverished sweat shop and slave laborers overseas, and that in the process of living this "advanced" lifestyle we waste disgusting amounts of resources; just the time and authenticity we lose is concerning.
take music. most people's favorite songs are the ones They play constantly in stores [and on Top 40 radio stations] in order to produce an almost mindless, consumerist mental condition. most of the songs don't mean anything, and the ones that do are impossible to appreciate because the only time people ever hear them is while shopping. With or Without You by U2 means a hell of a lot to me, even when i hear it at work, but that is only because i am a U2 fan in my real life, because my boyfriend is teaching it to me on the bass, and because i recognize it as a genuine piece of art. someone who didn't have the advantage of my experience with the song would not react in the same way as i do when it comes on over the store speakers, even though they might enjoy it more than say, natasha beddingford. the idea of consciously listening to music that you've decided you truly enjoy has almost been lost. and everything is like this.
why read if you can watch tv? why watch tv and become enthralled by it if you can distract yourself with homework at the same time? why talk to your boyfriend on the swings at the park if you can text him? why cook if you can buy ready to eat salad? why buy interesting clothes at tiny thrift stores if you can buy what everyone else is wearing at american eagle and throw away all your t-shirts from last year? why take time to do anything or think anything or see anything yourself if someone or something will do it for you? why explore? why create? why philosophize? and no one has a real life.
emotional experience has to be divorced from consumerism. satisfaction has to be divorced from convenience. happiness has to be divorced from things. people are becoming the puppets of their spending habits. time is more important than money. time was never money. people are important. God is important. ideals and ideas are important. a real life is important.
i hate retail. i hate the way corporations and companies manipulate ideas and experiences and twist them into shapes to fit company goals. music isn't the only thing that has suffered. it's a wonder there are any humans left in the lower working class, what with employees having to put up with this fascade day after week after year.
too many good things have been exploited until their only identity is found in something related to making money. businesses use simple, sappy music and "friendly associates" to give customers the impression that their store is somehow less sullied by the "squeeze every last drop" mentality, and has retained a "personal" quality. really the business has found this to be the most effective way to increase profits. what effect does this have on first world society? we spend most of our time buying, selling, and consuming. shopping is almost a cure-all antidote for boredom.
because the pattern i discussed is repeated so often, the "human qualities" have lost their own substance, namely, the quality of being human. what do i mean by "human"? i mean a state of being that involves intellect and emotions and experiences that define humans as all that they are. the mindless emotion in most elevator music, and the heartless economic ambition of a chain retailer are not what i consider displays of "humanity", at least not at a desirable or fulfilled level.
people have traded in wonderful encounters and experiences and things for the stripped-down versions you find in the mall. more, easier, faster, cheaper - less important. even if you don't consider the fact that all of this convenience is facilitated by millions of impoverished sweat shop and slave laborers overseas, and that in the process of living this "advanced" lifestyle we waste disgusting amounts of resources; just the time and authenticity we lose is concerning.
take music. most people's favorite songs are the ones They play constantly in stores [and on Top 40 radio stations] in order to produce an almost mindless, consumerist mental condition. most of the songs don't mean anything, and the ones that do are impossible to appreciate because the only time people ever hear them is while shopping. With or Without You by U2 means a hell of a lot to me, even when i hear it at work, but that is only because i am a U2 fan in my real life, because my boyfriend is teaching it to me on the bass, and because i recognize it as a genuine piece of art. someone who didn't have the advantage of my experience with the song would not react in the same way as i do when it comes on over the store speakers, even though they might enjoy it more than say, natasha beddingford. the idea of consciously listening to music that you've decided you truly enjoy has almost been lost. and everything is like this.
why read if you can watch tv? why watch tv and become enthralled by it if you can distract yourself with homework at the same time? why talk to your boyfriend on the swings at the park if you can text him? why cook if you can buy ready to eat salad? why buy interesting clothes at tiny thrift stores if you can buy what everyone else is wearing at american eagle and throw away all your t-shirts from last year? why take time to do anything or think anything or see anything yourself if someone or something will do it for you? why explore? why create? why philosophize? and no one has a real life.
emotional experience has to be divorced from consumerism. satisfaction has to be divorced from convenience. happiness has to be divorced from things. people are becoming the puppets of their spending habits. time is more important than money. time was never money. people are important. God is important. ideals and ideas are important. a real life is important.
Monday, 24 September 2007
Secrets
When someone shares something with you that is confidential, you have to show them that you're trustworthy. You will keep their confidence.
So often do i hear the words 'promise me...' and 'please make sure...'.
So many promises can carry a massive burden.
And sometimes, it's hard to control what comes out of your mouth.
'oh yeah, i remember that this happened when so and so....oh wait, never mind.'
Why do people tell you their secrets if they do not trust you?
Why impress upon someone your inner thoughts, and then beg them to tighten their lips.
Sometimes it can be difficult to keep things inside, and this can easily drive you insane.
Just like a cut on the roof of your mouth, that wont heal because you keep licking it.
Your mind will cave in, self implode, collapse, whatever you want to call it.
The burden that you carry of keeping your word is hard, but losing a friend's trust is a hard experience, and hard to gain it back again.
Beware of who you talk to, and what you swear to your heart, your death, and your eyes. just like the school yard chant.
So often do i hear the words 'promise me...' and 'please make sure...'.
So many promises can carry a massive burden.
And sometimes, it's hard to control what comes out of your mouth.
'oh yeah, i remember that this happened when so and so....oh wait, never mind.'
Why do people tell you their secrets if they do not trust you?
Why impress upon someone your inner thoughts, and then beg them to tighten their lips.
Sometimes it can be difficult to keep things inside, and this can easily drive you insane.
Just like a cut on the roof of your mouth, that wont heal because you keep licking it.
Your mind will cave in, self implode, collapse, whatever you want to call it.
The burden that you carry of keeping your word is hard, but losing a friend's trust is a hard experience, and hard to gain it back again.
Beware of who you talk to, and what you swear to your heart, your death, and your eyes. just like the school yard chant.
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
The choices we don't make
I've come to the conclusion that there is no fate, there is no destiny and there is no plan for your life. That is, your fate, destiny and plan won't be there for you if you don't want it. I think the main concern with life is the acceptance of choices we make and how hard it realize we can't re-write them.
I have my fair share of regrets and the result of the choices I've made in my life (Ichijouji if you're reading this, this applies to you). I make bad ones a lot of the time. I make the kind that boost my adrenaline (...and sometimes testosterone) for that moment in time, only to have consequences in another moment later in time.
I've noticed a lot of people have stopped making choices and let time eventually close off all options to make their lives as impermeable as possible. I can honestly say I've done this. When something is too hard or when it seems too complicated to deal with I just stay away and don't act.
There are people out there who are having constant bad days, and not just the week-long-feel-like-crap ones. The month-long ones. It happened to me. I feel like everything is just too much and I'm slowly withdrawing myself from my own life. I realized it wasn't because of the choices I made, it was because of the choices I've put off, the things I should act on that have yet to be acted upon.
The Dali Lama is a very wise man, he refuses to blame anybody but himself for everything. That is undivided selflessness. I aspire to be the same. I don't like to blame people for the way I am, instead of feeling better about myself when I bash down another person, I'd rather say 'what can I do to make myself better?'
Sunday, 9 September 2007
help
Jesus, why are we helpless
to ease the pain of the old
to fight the despair of the young
to refuse power
to love;
and why are you silent
when I cry
and plead for the full truth?
[this is something i wrote tonight, just because i'm feeling desperate.]
to ease the pain of the old
to fight the despair of the young
to refuse power
to love;
and why are you silent
when I cry
and plead for the full truth?
[this is something i wrote tonight, just because i'm feeling desperate.]
Monday, 3 September 2007
Power And Its Control
Who here cant honestly say that they have been driven by power, that when they have power in their own hands they seek to use it without thinking of anything but themselves or who or what emotional/physical damage it does to one other.
Being able to control your surroundings, manipulate minds, push people to the bare edge knowing that even though they are friends you know them well enough to know that they will come running back. When you have it lying there in front of you, you stop and you think immediately about how you can use it to your advantage.
There is know hiding, everyone knows that everything is for sale and everything has a price, just a matter of the bargain you get in return. With power we forget to take into consideration the bargain we get in return as we never think about future aspects of power just the fact that we have it and the lust to use it controls our minds.
Very few people have the ability to resist what they feel is ultimate power. I have to say i am not one of them. Lately i feel i have had power in my hands and i feel the urge to want to use it to my own advantage. Seeing though i havent had the best of years ... neither the worst though i still feel i have to use power in order to get what i want.
Selfish i know, trust me im struggling to come to terms with who i really fight for in terms of the 'Good side' or the 'Bad Side' e.g. Heroes or Villains. This is causing me to go a bit out control, to go to rash distances to see who i really am and if i prefer power of anything else.
No matter how many times people are told that lust for power only ends in disaster, it still wont affect the outcome of which what people are actually going to do if they are confronted with it. You would be very suprised at how quickly people fall to curtain amounts of power and even more suprised to see when its you or a friend that is faced with it.
Being able to control your surroundings, manipulate minds, push people to the bare edge knowing that even though they are friends you know them well enough to know that they will come running back. When you have it lying there in front of you, you stop and you think immediately about how you can use it to your advantage.
There is know hiding, everyone knows that everything is for sale and everything has a price, just a matter of the bargain you get in return. With power we forget to take into consideration the bargain we get in return as we never think about future aspects of power just the fact that we have it and the lust to use it controls our minds.
Very few people have the ability to resist what they feel is ultimate power. I have to say i am not one of them. Lately i feel i have had power in my hands and i feel the urge to want to use it to my own advantage. Seeing though i havent had the best of years ... neither the worst though i still feel i have to use power in order to get what i want.
Selfish i know, trust me im struggling to come to terms with who i really fight for in terms of the 'Good side' or the 'Bad Side' e.g. Heroes or Villains. This is causing me to go a bit out control, to go to rash distances to see who i really am and if i prefer power of anything else.
No matter how many times people are told that lust for power only ends in disaster, it still wont affect the outcome of which what people are actually going to do if they are confronted with it. You would be very suprised at how quickly people fall to curtain amounts of power and even more suprised to see when its you or a friend that is faced with it.
Saturday, 1 September 2007
Lost: A Purpose
Looking around at my surroundings. I see everyone.. and they are just living. Going about their lives with no real purpose to speak of, except to accomplish what they do everyday... getting through it alive. I asked a friend of mine what they saw as a purpose to life the other day, their reply being "To be happy... to live happily. You die, then nothing happens so.. live your life now."
This gave me an incredibly empty feeling.
What real point is there to our lives? Say you believe in the Big Bang bringing us into exsitence. Then we are just the result of a random explosion.. and there is no point to us being alive. We have no relevance to anything else in the universe. Everything we think we have "accomplished" as humans isn't worth ...scat! (For want of another word...). Things we fight about, things we get upset about - it's all nothing! We can be so self important as humans - yet we fail to recognize how insignificant we really are.
Why are we even here? There has to be more to it than just "being happy" and continuing the human race.
I am figuring this is why there is so many different beliefs about things in our society. So many people all trying to find their way, a higher purpose, a reason. Maybe people are so scared of being useless they need to create these things in order to feel like they are doing something worthwhile.
I myself have my own religious beliefs, as a lot of people I know do. I feel like I have something to do with my life. I feel like I have a real purpose... things don't seem so trivial. It's quite an up-lifting feeling. Believing what I said before, I found depressing even to think about. There has to be more.. doesn't there? There has to be a reason for us being around. We have the most amazing things around us... I don't mean man made things, I mean life, I mean this earth, I mean the universe. How could something as intricate as the human brain result from an explosion? If we evolved, how is it that the monkeys (apes, gorillas? I cant keep up wth the theories..) are still here? Why aren't they as advanced as we are? Why isn't any animal as andvanced as we are?
There are so many things we question as humans, but do we ever really find the solution the these kind of topics. No one agrees on Creation or Evoltuion. Everyone believes their beliefs are the right ones. How are we really supposed to find the truth? Or is there no truth? Must we just come up with something that satisfies our minds enough to bear living in a hopeless existence?
What is the point? What is the purpose?
"Now you don't know what to believe..."
This gave me an incredibly empty feeling.
What real point is there to our lives? Say you believe in the Big Bang bringing us into exsitence. Then we are just the result of a random explosion.. and there is no point to us being alive. We have no relevance to anything else in the universe. Everything we think we have "accomplished" as humans isn't worth ...scat! (For want of another word...). Things we fight about, things we get upset about - it's all nothing! We can be so self important as humans - yet we fail to recognize how insignificant we really are.
Why are we even here? There has to be more to it than just "being happy" and continuing the human race.
I am figuring this is why there is so many different beliefs about things in our society. So many people all trying to find their way, a higher purpose, a reason. Maybe people are so scared of being useless they need to create these things in order to feel like they are doing something worthwhile.
I myself have my own religious beliefs, as a lot of people I know do. I feel like I have something to do with my life. I feel like I have a real purpose... things don't seem so trivial. It's quite an up-lifting feeling. Believing what I said before, I found depressing even to think about. There has to be more.. doesn't there? There has to be a reason for us being around. We have the most amazing things around us... I don't mean man made things, I mean life, I mean this earth, I mean the universe. How could something as intricate as the human brain result from an explosion? If we evolved, how is it that the monkeys (apes, gorillas? I cant keep up wth the theories..) are still here? Why aren't they as advanced as we are? Why isn't any animal as andvanced as we are?
There are so many things we question as humans, but do we ever really find the solution the these kind of topics. No one agrees on Creation or Evoltuion. Everyone believes their beliefs are the right ones. How are we really supposed to find the truth? Or is there no truth? Must we just come up with something that satisfies our minds enough to bear living in a hopeless existence?
What is the point? What is the purpose?
"Now you don't know what to believe..."
games
ello. my name is lizzy and i am the newest member of the amateur youth writing faction. i'm a full time student, a poet/writer, an artist, a christian, and a great lover of music and books and shows and running and swedish berries.
but i've been thinking about games lately. not hide and seek games, no. nothing as fun as that. the games we play with people we care about, especially in romantic relationships. i recently started dating one of my good friends, and although things are going pretty well, i noticed last night that there is a frightening desire for manipulation and control on my part, that is absolutely incompatible with the way i care about this boy. it stems out of insecurity and arrogance and fear and i don't know what else.
i think that everyone deals with this desire in some way, and it seems strange and almost creepy to me, since it is almost impossible to recognize or fight back, and it always results in the misery of both parties involved. it manifests itself in ridiculous petty little things, like posting a breakup song on your myspace to make the other person jealous or guilty or afraid; or refusing to return a call because you are harboring a grudge against a call of yours that your boyfriend/girlfriend was late in returning two weeks ago; or even refusing to pull yourself together and maintain your own life, and instead hanging on your significant other like a whining toddler. why? do you wonder if they'd stay with you if they saw your bad side? are you feeling neglected? are you so disconnected from your own thoughts and ideas that you cannot function alone? do you simply want power over the other person's emotions?
this kind of abuse has nothing to do with love. in fact, it usually has little to do with our real needs. what i'm wondering about is why no one realizes this? 2 years ago i became bulimic, for no other reason than to get revenge on my mother and my [then] boyfriend for not seeing my hurts and fixing them for me. i didn't talk honestly about what i wanted from them, i just resorted to playing a very sick game.
the most incredible thing is that i thought i was justified in doing so. it's crazy to think about, and crazy to think that i'm falling prey to the same urges almost a year after it ended. have any of you had similar experiences with someone close to you?
but i've been thinking about games lately. not hide and seek games, no. nothing as fun as that. the games we play with people we care about, especially in romantic relationships. i recently started dating one of my good friends, and although things are going pretty well, i noticed last night that there is a frightening desire for manipulation and control on my part, that is absolutely incompatible with the way i care about this boy. it stems out of insecurity and arrogance and fear and i don't know what else.
i think that everyone deals with this desire in some way, and it seems strange and almost creepy to me, since it is almost impossible to recognize or fight back, and it always results in the misery of both parties involved. it manifests itself in ridiculous petty little things, like posting a breakup song on your myspace to make the other person jealous or guilty or afraid; or refusing to return a call because you are harboring a grudge against a call of yours that your boyfriend/girlfriend was late in returning two weeks ago; or even refusing to pull yourself together and maintain your own life, and instead hanging on your significant other like a whining toddler. why? do you wonder if they'd stay with you if they saw your bad side? are you feeling neglected? are you so disconnected from your own thoughts and ideas that you cannot function alone? do you simply want power over the other person's emotions?
this kind of abuse has nothing to do with love. in fact, it usually has little to do with our real needs. what i'm wondering about is why no one realizes this? 2 years ago i became bulimic, for no other reason than to get revenge on my mother and my [then] boyfriend for not seeing my hurts and fixing them for me. i didn't talk honestly about what i wanted from them, i just resorted to playing a very sick game.
the most incredible thing is that i thought i was justified in doing so. it's crazy to think about, and crazy to think that i'm falling prey to the same urges almost a year after it ended. have any of you had similar experiences with someone close to you?
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