Losing myself in these crowds.

I've been struggling to write even the most simple blogs lately and I kept giving up once I start. Let's write about love, I say, my relationship, let's write about the poor guy on the street, maybe someone will learn something if I write about the economy. All of those topics are very insightful but they are not the real issues revolving around in my head at the moment. Perhaps I distracted myself with thoughts of other things to avoid deeper issues, or maybe I have a hard time being honest, not to other people, but to myself. So instead of feeding people (who for some reason appreciate the things I write, I don't know how you guys stay interested), I feel like this blog is for me. This is for reference and a constant reminder not to lead a life of false pretenses, socioeconomic expectations and proxy ambitions.

Some things are known to have a 'way' in life. The 'way' things are. And because these things are expected to be that way, I'm expected to be a certain way too. I'm sorry to disappoint the social expectations of the world but I take pride in not following a lot of these trends: having sex with someone I didn't care about, never taking a drug, embracing monogamy, wearing the clothes that I felt comfortable in, appreciating underrated music and probably others that I can't think of right now.

I'm tired of people telling me how to act, or even asking me why I act unlike my stereotypes. After repeatedly being hammered by these shallow observations it makes me wonder why I'm not a louder personality, who wears less clothes, listens to more commercial music, smokes a deck a day and fornicates in toilet cubicles. I've received the worst reactions when people ask me about my sex-life. I'm guilty of waiting for someone, I didn't throw myself at the thousand opportunities I had (and believe me they are in the thousands) to bed someone and throw my experiences away.

I thoroughly believe in living for the moment, forgetting about the consequences of tomorrow and to treat each day like it's my last. But I also have morals. Just because I have the chance to have sex simultaneously with two other people (no matter how great it feels), just because people now say that it's ok to use sex as a pass time activity, doesn't mean I do it. I have morals and it's sickening that these kind of experiences are expected of me and worse, at such a young age.

I'm not going to lie, I've had the bitter taste after sexual contact with the flooding thoughts of: 'was it worth it', 'why do I feel empty' and 'this person means nothing to me'. I feed temptation to find that I'm not actually fulfilling a need for myself but rather having my innocence sapped and leaving me hollow inside. I don't have a superman complex, I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. I have desires and lust for certain things, but I know I can help what I do by advocating altruism. We do have the ability to think and to act, but we don't always do things in that order. But at least I can say I try.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world", a quote by Ghandi, a quote I live by. I used to be so proud to endorse this quote but over the course of the year the words slowly bent and warped to bring a different meaning, something like: "Dont change, be like the world". After being drilled over and over with the same opinions, standards and expectations by a group of people, their words have a way of falling out of your own mouth eventually. I start to think like them, I have the desire to be desired, to dress in an impressing fashion, to have certain opinions on certain things. This is a common form of influence and probably the strongest. It's true when people say that being around better people makes you a better person. That doesn't mean avoid homeless people or don't choose to be friends with someone who might take a recreational drug here and there. It means that if you suffocate yourself long enough with other peoples thoughts, there is a high chance that their thoughts will be your thoughts after a while.

Finally, I'm tired of people telling me I'm just 19. I know what I am. People can say I'm young but no one ever explains themselves. I honestly believe that there are people younger than me (who are much more knowledgeable and mature) who can outwit people a decade older than them. Age has proven to be nothing significant. I know with age comes experience, but so to comes ignorance. People use their age to disregard the thoughts and experiences of other people just because of their age. It's hypocritical and it is a refusal on poor bases. Don't let anyone disregard you because of your age. You know, it's good to feel young no matter how old you are. We might be perceived as a lazy generation but there are people as young as twelve who invent things that the world is using today. It is so important to never stop learning, not in the text book sense, but in the worldly sense. Eat foreign foods, with foreign utensils, watch a black and white film, listen to a new genre of music, write a story, learn some new words and build your vocabulary, go somewhere you've never been, all of these things help us learn and understand our world better. The biggest tragedy I see are older people who feel old enough to know enough and grow older being ignorant and using their age as a valid excuse for being wise. Wisdom is all around, it is shared. No one knows everything. Who can honestly say "you'll know when you're older" or "you don't know" when quite possibly they don't know themselves.

I'm sorry that all of this is so disjointed, but I've finally got some things off my chest. If you read this please comment your thoughts, a quote, your own piece on how you see yourself or ANYTHING! I'd love more than anything to read what you have to say, anything at all.