The Hyper-Critically Wheels Of The Bus Go Round And Round...

Why do people sit at the back of the bus?

If it’s one thing I have learnt recently, it has to be the extreme chaotic behaviour of some people catching the bus. Until now, like most people I thought catching the bus was, (and still is) an easy task to achieve without failure or complexity. The simple steps to follow were as easy as A, B, C’s. Just get on, pay the ticket, locate seat, get off and continue life as normal. But the surprising thing I discovered is the amount of times I have seen people go to making (almost) unnecessary acute decisions. Fearful of being ‘judged’ or seen ‘in an unfavourable seat’ by other occupants, can sometimes lead to an uncontrollable thought-process being triggered. This trigger produces an attempt of being ‘fashionable’ or ‘stylish’ as possible, almost instantaneous.

As a long time observer myself, I clearly see not only the diversity of people in Melbourne catching a some-what normal bus, but the extensive facial expressions they show after dearly noting the positions of other occupants. I’m no psychologist but, common sense is completely left in the gutter by some people upon entering the bus. These people can be of all ages. I vividly recollect one day, an old lady, small and defend less in size, almost ‘pushed’ without being told (verbally) by the youths at the back of the bus, to go sit at the front, immediately behind the bus driver. Whether this was because she was frightened of the younger generation or even a simple glance/stare from one of them alarmed her, it worked without a fiasco occurring.

Although in contrast to the older passengers, the younger people of today must locate a sit which, not only is next to their friends but is near enough to the ‘popular’ group at the back. Which for reason is this un-written law, which states you must be at the back or else you’re not ‘cool.’ It sickens the mature audience surrounded by this circus. The likelihood of someone actually taking any notice to the non- verbal behaviour occurring is just as rare as someone actually admitting they are that ‘clown’ in that circus

Maybe the next time I catch the bus, I could play a lead act of stupidity. It’s a shame too; I’m not very good at juggling with my life for the price of a bus ticket.

Expanding AYWF?

I have discussed with chris over the holidays about possibly expanding AYWF to a broader range. I mainly brought this to Chris's attention simply because i felt that we could help people or even just read what others have to write as long as it is real and is to do with real things where we could give our own opinions and share our views.

We came up with a few suggestions, one being we move AYWF to the actual internet where the site beocmes a www. but as you know it would cost money and it is something we dont have although it is a possibility in the future.

Every person who has contributed to AYWF has really helped me realise a lot of things, anyone who has written a piece about something real has got to me in some way, i feel a better person. I feel better because you of AYWF have almost triggered a new me and new outlook on life. I have thanked Chris for everything he has done on many occasions and yet i feel it is not enough.

Everyone who has contributed something whether it be writing a blog here on the site or basically joining im asking you a favour. I am asking you to help me find a way to broaden the site, bring in members and read what other people have to write. I really enjoy reading what people write here and your contribution and feedback have truly given me new reasons for living in life.

So help AYWF become something big and spare any ideas you may have or of course if you disagree with me entirly i would really like to hear what you have to say if you feel we should stay to people we know.

Thank you all.

EDIT: Hey guys, Chris here. Just letting you know I completely agree with James and we are looking to expand our horizons, to make this site something bigger and better. This very website has been an impact in my life and has certainly helped me on my journey of self discovery.

What we aim to do is simple. Spread the word. There are hundreds of people around the globe who thrive to just take things off from their chest. Whether it be being gay, hating home, feeling alone, feeling used, being hated, being rejected, hurting, facing addictions/ obsessions and all the other traumas that are shaking our world.

If you know where we can promote this idea, then one day James's dream will become a reality and AYWF will become its own website that helps people all around the world.

The first step is promotion.

Regards, Chris.

You, me and the person looking back.

"Is a mirror a true reflection of ones self?

One begs to bother to first ask this double meaning question in the first place. On the superficial level we can clearly have the idea that our brightly coloured dress or pink shirt is hot for a great Saturday night out. Or its consistent use to grab attention; Does my bum look big in this, honey? Can anyone honestly answer that, can they believe that is them looking back at them? Were they maybe expecting someone or, something for that matter to magically appear to improve their depreciating or already low self-esteem or what was left of it after their partners replied with; Of course, my dear.

But it’s the in-depth view of the person looking back at us, which makes us think; Are we beautiful? Do I feel accepted? Am I (too) de-attached from society? It makes us provoke emotion we didn’t want, or receive every well. While having that quick glance at our reflections on the glass, whilst pretending to look at the “pretty” plastic models on display, hide the fact that was beauty looking back at you? That someone was you? The one person in the world who revealed the truth to you about how you really felt about yourself deep down?

Could all beauty just be skin deep? Why? …is and often overused question mostly used by young kids asking their parents who didn’t, at the time, know the difference between right and wrong. Well couldn’t the same be applied here? Why does our reflection have to be only skin deep? It only shows that our face is relatively clean and clear from all nasty pimples, skin conditions or infections. Which in fact, only proves you’re human and not perfect, like the rest of us, who, from time to time, stress out and need a coffee to continue? Hence, everybody is covered in material for a purpose, to hide the person within. The heart, the most important of all in a person, is broken several times by ‘love’ from another person; can that in fact be reflected by a $15 mirror? Or does a ‘real’ or ‘true’ reflection of ones self need a strong and critical evaluation of our lives? To sit down one morning and realise, I have no ambitions, I have achieved nothing, what am I worth…full stop.

Which returns back to the first question; is a mirror a true reflection of ones self? Like everyone would like to believe, is the answer as simple as a yes or no answer. As simple to say yes because we want to strike that emotion or reaction in someone or ourselves to feel connected? Or maybe just as simple as to say no, to commend the thought of ever being something more than we could be, being more beautiful than we should be.

Maybe that is the more noteworthy question at hand;

How can we become more beautiful?"

This is not mine, but it was sent to me by a friend (whose name is also Chris) and I thought it would be great to put it up here. Comment your thoughts.

I believe that he is right, that mirrors only show us a beauty that travels skin deep. A mirror only shows you what you look like, and what you want to look like. It can't elaborate on anything else.

My Choice

I have always felt as if i had been a single person my entire life, turned out i was not at all and i had been going down 2 separate paths in my life and i never new. I had been thinking that i would never have the trouble of being 2 sided but i know that some of my friends realise I'm very 2 sided and i never wanted to be like that.

I only came to realise a few months back, when i realised that there really was a softer side of me under the aggression, under the one who follows others just to feel like i would be accepted because everyone wants to feel accepted and i know not everyone is because of the way most people are portrayed these days.

I always thought that i was me and me only, but coming to realise this has made me feel quite uneasy about myself and where i really stand in my life. Onto the 2 sides of me firstly what I'm usually known for and secondly what i have become.

First side : i thought i was quite aggressive and toyed a lot with risks and would back down immediately if i was against the odds. Somewhat of a follower, try hard and yes i admit i have back stabbed a few people before and mislead a lot of people which looking back on it i did not like

Second side : With this side of me i feel refreshed like i have been given a second chance. I care so much for peoples well being and opinions, i always give my honesty and not go with whatever my friends think. I like helping others and have a broader mind filled with many many things.

I have always been worried about what others think of me but now I'm more concerned with what my friends think of me. Some of the people like Chris has become somewhat of a close friend and i trust and he has shown me the new side of me i really have him to thank because i really enjoy the newer side of me. Those who know me by the caring way are those who really have not known me quite long maybe 1-3 years if that. The ones who have known me longer know me by the first side which is why i am worried.

I am worried that if i sway more to the caring side the friends Ive known for a while will become more the friends i 'once new', I'm really confused and frustrated with myself because i feel like I'm pressured to be someone I'm not, the real question is who am i really? Side 1 or 2 and which do i choose because i do not want to be known for being 2 faced that's for sure.

Leap Of Faith

Have you ever been asked to say something about yourself, like in a quiz, or test, something like that?Well.. I have. I have found sometimes when asked to say something personal, I think "I find it hard to open up to people." I have noticed that this is in a weird way.
If I have recently met a person, or known of them a while and then start talking to them, I quite easily talk to them about anything and everything. Even if it's really personal. Then when it comes to the people I refer to as my close circle of friends, I don't really tlak - I tend to put distance between us like that. Even physically, I don't really sit with them all if I don't have to.
Me being me, am trying to figure out why.

I guess one reason is my constant fear of getting hurt. I have had the experience of my 'best friends' back stabbing me, and telling people what I have said in confidence. All the time going aorund our little circle is something along these lines: "so-and-so did this/said that ... but I was sworn to secrecy, you can't tell anyone, blah-blah who told me was told not to tell anyone, so-and-so can't know you know!!!" I'll admit most of the information I receive this was I am intrigued by. While all this is going on, I a sitting there thinking, "What does sworn to secrecy mean to you?!". Some of the things I have told my friends, need not go any further. If I wanted anyone else to know, they would know. I get this feeling after I tell them things sometimes... like I can hear the whispers starting already.

Another thing more in relation to how I feel about things/people...
Sometimes when people ask me questions about how I feel about them, I tell them what I think they want to hear because I am either scared I'll hurt them, or scared of what they'll think of me. Other times I will look at the person think "I should trust them...", take a leap of faith, and say exactly what I am feeling. I should probably point out that that is usually when I think I know what the other person is going to say - or am being 'hopelessly hopeful'.
Unfortunately, every single time I have taken that plunge, it has backfired and I have been left to feel awkward and sorry I said anything.
Stop. Think.
Why in the world should I be sorry for how I feel? They are my feelings, unique to me.
To feel sorry for how I feel, is like being sorry for being myself. No one should ever have to apologize for being themselves. It's like saying you're sorry for breathing!
There's a song I like, it's by Kid Courageous, called "One In A Million". There's one line in particular I'd like to share:
"So if I take a chance on you, and fall flat on my face, at least I know I tried."

I'm the one who has to live with the decisions I make. If I live to regret things I've done/didn't do, that's my burden to carry. I don't want to be the one always asking "what if...?" and thinking "if only...". I want to know I did what I could at the time that I thought was right to do.
Regret is a hard thing to live with.

For now, all "what if...?"s and "if only.."s aside

I know I tried.

The tree

Walking home in the dark, melodic music chiming in my ears softly. Before me is an old tree. This tree has been there my whole life, I walk past it every single day. I appreciate the tree on windy days because whenever I walk past it, it sounds as if the wind is talking as it is being tared by the small leaf-like branches. The sound of the wind is amplified so much that it is hypnotizing.

Tonight, with no reason as to why I was going to do it. I approached the tree and tore off a branch. I pocketed my headphones and I swung the branch from left to right and listened as it cut straight through the wind.

I walked a little further so that my house was in sight, my parents were home. I wanted to take the branch with me, but there was no way I could bring it inside without them knowing. So to avoid the obvious questions of why I was bringing a branch into the house, I placed it between another tree and an empty beer bottle that had remained there for days. In hope that I see it again the next day to listen to it once more.

That single tree is beauty. Made as an instrument to conduct the wind. Made to voice the cries its as it travels across the world.

I couldn't help but think: was that the tree speaking to me, or the wind? Like English, Arabic, Greek, Italian, Spanish, Lebanese, Hungarian and many more languages that are spoken right under the same sky, I believe that nature possesses its own very unique language.

Random Brain Waves (I Just Typed...)

I am scared to death of losing people I love. But I tend to push peole away. I get a bit scared when someone is very close to me. I find it unnerving when they can tell when I am upset even if I am covering it up. I get annoyed when the ask me a million times "Are you ok?". Why? Good question. They are only trying to see if I'm alright because they care about me. That's nice.

I don't want to go to sleep at night because I don't want to dream. Sometimes I have the most whacked out dreams, I wake up and I am like "What the.. that was weird." In others I am being chased by a serial killer. Why the hell would a serial killer want to kill me? Apart from the fact they are obviously insane, what makes me so important? *Vanity*. Other times, my drams remind me too much of reality. Nightmares about what I've done in the past, or hat could happen in the future. It terrifies me because there are possibilities, that it could happen. My best friend could turn her baqck on me after I have hurt her so many times. One of the biggest pillars in my life could disappear in the blink of an eye.

I don't want to stay awake at night because lack of sleep makes me deranged.

I have a group of really amazing friends, who I push away through my words, my thoughts, and my actions. With people I have opened up to... I sometimes go into major shutdown. I feel so bad sometimes about this, I mean I really don't like some of the people I hang out with on the daily, but I act like their friends. I hate being fake. Hypocritical or what. One girl in my main group, clicke whatever you want to call it, is not on the greatest terms with me. She has caused me so much hurt and pain, has the gaul to attack one of my best friends, and practically everyone else she lays eyes on. In some ways I guess I am jealous of her, she has lots of freedom compared to me. Anyone has lots of freedom compared to me. But I have a choice, and I have made my mind up with regards my life. She has her choices too. What I think of them, in the long run, doesn't really matter. I have to be able to live with mine.

I had a boyfriend who I adored totally who now, I am scared to see. I don't want to say a lot on this particular topic as everyone on this site (I think) knows the person and that's just rude. But yeah... things were good, things were made bad by (guess who!!! i would jump up and down and say pick me pick me, but I don't really want to, it's a waste of the energy I already lack, but yeah, you get the point?), then things were weird, and now it's just so damn complicated. He makes me sad. But happy. I think I am good at being a friend now. Then again, it get's complicated.

I have a supportive, wonderful family. Full Stop! I treat them like crap sometimes... I say the worst things. But yeah.. I do love them... incase it was unclear.

There are so many things I can't say out loud, I guess that's why I write. Not exactly saying it, but it gets everything, out there. I like the freedom of expression. I like getting peoples opinions, but I guess I find it easier by posting on a site like this, or my poetry site than face-to-face. I am too worried about what other people think of what I say.

I am too scared of what other poeple think. I watch what I say, how I act, generally everything I do because of this fear. I wrote something a while back along these lines:
"I guess I want to be "accepted" subconciously... but me now (not in a confronting situation), doesn't really want their acceptance. These people are people I don't want to, care to, need to, or desire to be accepted by. I don't like them."
Then, a smart little Chris said to me "I think you are TELLING yourself you 'dont care' about certain things just hoping to believe what you say.", and now... I agree. I am just hoping one day I'll grow out of wanting their acceptance. Even after the people I don't think I like, there are people I know I want to accept me. Be my friend (with the chainsaw.... bad joke) !!! And I think about what they must see when they look at me (here comes all the low self esteem blah blah that I am going to skip.. you don't need to know at this point in time how low I think of myself) , what could I possibly say to keep them talking, even if it's not being me
... and then remind myself "They aren't worth being friends with if they don't like you just as is" so I don't try to impress, I just.. flow.. and see if it works. Sometimes it does, and I have so many amazing people around me, as my friends, to prove that. And enough stress to prove the first theory. Too hung up.

I ask myself why I feel like this (see above examples) about things, why it turned out like this, why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am... I guess life is just a big journey of self discovery. We never stop learning. We never stop taking in information. We never stop forming opinions. We never stop.
I have so many questions about all of the things around me, sometimes I am too scared to ask, too afraid of the answers I'll get.

I want that to stop, today.
I want to be able to ask without feeling like an idiot.
I want to live without being scared.
I want to be able to show my friends I care about them.
I want to be open with someone without being wary of them.
I just want to go for it. Just live.

Let's see how that goes.

Recognition

Over the last couple of weeks I have felt worse and worse about myself. I have sat in my room, slept, gone on the computer and just tried to keep to myself. I was dreading the return to school. Having to face everyone again. To put on the plastic smile and pretend like everything is ok. When I know deep down it isn't. Something isn't right.

It came to me the day before last, as I had just had a very bad day at school, and alot of things from the past had been brought up. And my aunty asked me to do the washing up, take the clothes off the line, mop the floors and clean the mirrors. I really wasn't up to it, and just wanted to lie on my bed, listen to music, sleep, just anything to relax for a while. I felt so drained.

But still, she has just been through a pretty rough divorce, and I didn't exactly want her screaming at me at the moment, because I probably would have slapped her. So I got up and did the washing up mopped the floors did the mirrors and took the clothes off the line. I finally dragged myself back to bed and just lay there. I think I fell asleep because when I opened my eyes she was walking into my room. Which was unexpected.

She was upest at me for using the wrong polish on the mirrors. I was lectured about not listening and not doing anything right. And the whole time I was thinking, atleast I tried. But I only ever get noticed when I do something wrong. Not when something is done right. She didn't notice the clothes, the floors or the washing up. No. Only noticed the flaw.

As you can imagine I felt pretty crushed.

South Africa

I had my first shift as a volunteer worker, knowing I'd be helping others is a big step for me and a long awaited one at that. What I didn't expect was the burst of inspiration and knowledge of the world around me. Stories so severe and tragic that I was close to tears. To think that a small group of children no older than 12 could impact my life so profoundly made a shocking revelation.

While learning about space, the children saw pictures of planets, meteors and space rockets. One of the children squealed (as most children often do) and exclaimed "I've seen one of those, I've seen one of those!!"
A real rocket? A 9 year old saw a real rocket? The teacher asks "Have you? Where?"
"In my country! In my country there are rockets!"
My stomach sank. Obviously the child had seen a missile. He lived in a country where warfare was a second nature, a missile was only scenery to them. Knowing this scared me. These children live in constant war and poverty, a medium of hell was their only home.

I could never bring myself to discipline a child, whenever I saw a child snatch something off another, it was not because they had no manners. It was the way they lived. In poverty, whatever you can get your hands on, is all that you really have. How can you change that mentality? How can I tell them that we live in a commonwealth country, that we can share and benefit from sharing? That there are refuges for the homeless and rations for the famished?

If I learned this in less than two hours, then there is so much more to know about the world around me in the lifetime that I have, and before I combat the problems of the world, I need knowledge of the issues. South Africa has so much beauty but it's humanity that killed it.

In retrospect, we haven't changed.

In the middle ages women were prosecuted for being witches. All someone really had to do was yell out "Witch!" and that women would either burn or drown for their innocence. It sounds like we've come a long from condemning innocent women to their deaths right? Wrong. We've only replaced the word 'witch' with 'terrorist'.

And it's sadly true. Humans point fingers to somebody other than themselves almost always. And in the middle ages, if that women had a family, they would all have a difficult time living the rest of their lives after being excommunicated by the community. Sounds a lot like a race I know. So overall, the human race is still as primitive as it always has been. After burning witches, we didn't learn a thing.

Life, and its walk.

Life is great as it is, until we have to walk the path that progresses us to develop ourselves. Which in turn, makes us who we want to be. Well sometimes (and I'm sure I'm not alone here) we get tired of walking. We just want to sit for a second and just take it all in.

Life can be overwhelming, and what can make people turn against it is the fact that they cannot keep up with something so fast. Theres no time sit and absorb numerous situations and figure out how to solve each one with time and thought. Instead we are forced to walk and walk while baring the many complications in our backpacks, which makes our travels harder because everything gets heavier.

"Just please give me time to work only half the things out" I say, but I'm never heard. I keep walking baring more and more problems each day. And so, I let time do the fixing hoping the problems will just fall out of my backpack on the way.

Right and Wrong.

Who is to say what is right or wrong? What makes someone think 'yes, that's right' or 'no, that's wrong'.

Sometimes it falls under the category of common sense. We just think it is obvious to do something a certain way. Well maybe I don't want to do that. Maybe I like to sip coke with a spoon, or read upside down, or spin in circles to entertain myself. I do all these things, does that mean I'm mad?

And what does it mean to be mad? Just because someone does not think in the same process as you does not mean they cannot reach the same, similar or better answer. The ways in which we think evoke our individuality. But when someone has to stop being who they care because it may seem 'weird' to someone else, then that just means you have an alternative thought process and it isn't wrong to think that way.

Did you know that there are places in the world where clocks turn counter-clockwise and the numbers are reversed? It's not wrong, its different! Just because a minority possess clocks that tock and tick, and ours tick and tock, you can't say that theirs or ours is better.

Another example is keyboards, why aren't they in alphabetical order? They used to be but because of the keys getting stuck together, a man chose to be different and rearranged the keys. People thought he was crazy, but now everyone is using his alteration of someone else's creation.

And finally, who can tell me what is right? People are constantly judging and strictly separating the rights and wrongs of our society. There is no right or wrong, only difference. There are reasons for everything. There is malice behind actions, there is always history before an event.

Don't judge, don't care, don't change.
These are the morals.

I'm over it.

Picture a childs punching bag. Not too hard so the child can not hurt themself while punching/kicking it. Then picture anthony mundine smashing his fist into the punching bag. But the punching bag does not break. Not yet. He continually punches the bag. Little by little the bag starts to break until it is completely destroyed.

I feel like that bag. I'm not going to say I have had the worse life imaginable and had nothing good happen at all, because I would be lying. But I have had more than my fair share of grief. And over the last couple of day's, it seems that everything that has happened has not been for the best. But, for the worst. I can't really think of anything really bad that has happened. But that is just when I look back on it. At the time it felt like it was the end of the world.

Mundine feels like life. And every one of his punches feels like something bad that has happen to me. It feels like he is about to throw the last punch. And soon I will fall to bits. I have tried everything I can to build back up my ego, but after every one of the punches, it slipps down a little bit more. And, after each punch, it is harder to regain control of my life, and it's harder to feel better about myself.

My Realisation - The Wake Up Call

I was so tense tonight .. i felt as if maybe i had been carrying something on my mind i shouldnt be, it was as if my brain was melting asking myself what am i doing? My very close mate chris (moderator of AYWF) had his 18th Birthday party tonight, i couldnt be happier for the guy seeing though he is very unique and thats what i like about him. Happy 18th Chris.

To my story, the night was young and i was happy. I new i was not going to drink much i had planned it so i would not get drunk, i wanted to stay on level terms with myself so that i didnt go around making a fool of myself infront of like 100 people. The real story begins mid way through the party ... 'My Realisation'

Part One:
I was sitting alongside my mates staring into nothingness being asked "are you ok?" or "is everything alright?" by several people, i quickly replied "im fine" with a fake plastic smile on my face. I was not really that ok, its not that i was bored i really enjoyed the party, just curtain frame of mind that kept me from enjoying it with my friends.

I watched on as i saw friends and people i had never seen before hit the dance floor, moving as if nothing mattered as if no one cared how good or bad their dancing was. My wake up call, it struck me seconds later ... what is really stopping me from enjoying such a great party, well it was right in front of me the entire time, simply no self confidense.

I was never really confident but tonight just really help me see how bad it was, and how bad it has become because i have tried many times to push myself to do things with people i had not met by talking to them and all that stuff, i guess i am a bit shy.

Part two:
I was sitting down most of the night glaring on at others having a ball, really enjoying themselves. I came to a second realisation. Love, maybe i am in love or maybe im not .. i was not sure at the time .. out of all the people on the dance floor, one stood out in my mind. My heart was beating quite fast and it felt heavy, my mind had been set on nothing but her, she was amazing.

Maybe it was a sudden burst i have been getting ... i dont think i felt one like this though, i mean i barely talk to her in person or anything but we are friends. This is where the two parts link because she had come past and had said to me "come dance" and right now have regretted each passing second for turning away and shaking my head. I know i should live life and live with no regrets but it was hard not to i just wish i had been confident enough to go and dance with her.

Im not sure what this all means but i have taken a long hard look at tonight and ive come to the realisation that this .. is my wake up call. Im going out to start focusing on a main goal which is to live life to its fullest, one other thing, im going to become fit and healthy, and as soon as i do i just know i will have confidense again .. maybe to speak with her more often.

My Thoughts

It is now 12:56am and i have not had the best of days let alone weeks. I have felt better then i have before and many things are on my mind some in which i dont wish to discuss or tell because they're personal.

First of all, i am down on myself right now. I feel as if nothing is right and things are starting to look down in my life and i just cant pull myself together, my mind is flooded with self related issues and topped off by a swirling hurricane of other matters. Im down on myself for not completing my set goals for this year.

First goal - I wanted my school work to be finished to the best of my abilities and at a reasonable pace

Second goal - make sure i look after myself, friends and family.

Third goal - becoming fit and healthy and gather a little self confidense.

So far none of the above have been completed or even been close to completion, and i know its only half way through the year but the signs are looking down. The spiral continues to look down as i combat issues within my life in which are becoming some what of a burden. I feel as if im carrying to much on my shoulders or its just i have become weak and almost given up.

Im listening to Choke by a band called Cauterize and lyrics run by me "Just give me one last chance to say this. Just give me one last chance to say whats on my mind, and i will get it right" i feel as if i could say something so simple over and over and over again and yet i wont ever get it right .. maybe one more chance i will get it right.. maybe if i try and put everything into a last 'hoorah' i can get myself above the water so to speak.

Ive always thought of just giving up but if i do that my friends will always try to pick me up again and i would feel even more a burden to them, i would never want to cause trouble or hurt because it would come back at me and i would feel down again. Im thinking so much that the smallest things would make me feel as though it could bring me down. 'Im an elephant sitting on top of a 100 year old wooden fence .. the slightest gust of wind could bring me down'

Tonight i had been told to think positive, that something good will happen .. she "promised". At the time all i could think about was how ridiculous that sounded because i had done nothing to deserve something good happen to me, well i had felt i hadnt. She is very inspiring, and can make you smile without speaking a word, was i to trust her?. I felt as if maybe she was right and maybe things will get on track again .. that everything is happening only to test me or to drive me forward to help me realise how badly i might want something .. or help me realise that i need to drive myself forward to achieve the set goals i made at the start of the year, which ever it is i have a brighter feeling on my future, that i should start anew and move past this to be where i want to be. Thanks to her i feel refreshed.

Although not everything will be ok even if i were to start fresh .. there are personal matters in which may not change .. one in which maybe soon .. or maybe later, make me shed my tears for the first time in a while .. a death in the family which i will not shed light on here. If this is all just a test then im all for it, bring it on because im going to pass.

Let them know

It's told to many people. And this blog may be just skimmed because it is general knowledge. But if you love someone, let them know. Tell them you care about them and spend as much time with them as possible, because one day, it may be too late.

Example 1.

I was only 7. I know that at that age you may not be mature enough to follow the "let them know" rule, but it still would have made me feel better had I followed it. My mum was in hopsital. I didn't think this any different from all the other times she had been in there, because she was quite old when she had me, well not old, but 36. My mother was a strong woman, but she was also quite sick, from her many years of drinking and smoking. I never thought that I wouldn't see her again. I used to go visit her, but I wouldn't stay around her very much. Because of her disease, her skin was a pail yellow, and she had tubes sticking into her arms and mouth. Not a wonderful sight for a 7 year old. So I would go out onto the hospital varanda and wish I was back at home. I was actually scared of seeing my mother, and sometimes dreaded going to the hospital. I assumed that soon enough, she would come home and we would be a happy family again. But she didn't.We were at home, my sister and I, when we recieved the call that would change our lives forever. She had passed on during the night. I didn't quite understand it then, but I had a feeling down in the pit of my stomach that felt like someone was in theree, hacking me with a chainsaw. I still feel it to this very day. But now I understand what it is. It is guilt, and deep regret, that I didn't spend every single second of my time with her.

Example 2.

My friend's brother worked out on a mine. He was away for two weeks, then back for one. The machinary he was working wih was very dangerous. A couple of weeks ago, my friend and his brother had a huge fight over something stupid. And my friend said he wished his brother was dead. His brother left that night to go to the mine, him and my friend hadn't talked since the fight, and they didn't even say goodbye to eachother. My friends brother had a machine slice his arm clean off, and then topple to it's side, nearly crushing him to death. Luckily, he was hospitalised, and they brought him back to a stable condition. He isat this very moment still in hopsital, and my friend hasn't left his side since he arrived there. I wish I had been given that chance to tell my mother i love her, and he realises how lucky he is to have.

My father works for the same company as my friend brother, and is away for two weeks, back for one. I am not making the same mistake twice. I will not avoid my dad as I did my mum. So if you have someone that you really do care for, tell them, whether they have a dangerous job, whether they are sick, or if they are just living comfortably.

Wishing well

Today has a been a tough day to get through. I've had such weird moods. The best way to put how I feel would be like this:

My heart is empty, like a wishing well. And all I'm doing is throwing coins attached by an invisible string of hope to the bottom...if there is a bottom. Maybe they fall through the other side. I'm not happy with myself and the negativities of everyday life are outnumbering the positive ones.

It feels so easy to give up, and I question why I'm pushing. I'm not quite sure what I'm looking forward to, there's not much to push for right now. And if there is, my cynicism is making me oblivious to it.

I guess for the hope of a new and better day comes to mind. But when is it going to come? And right now, do I even deserve a good day?

Something to say

I'm keeping something inside me, like a repressed feeling, a jar with overflowing emotions, because if I left it go I don't know whats going to happen. Today isn't one of my best days, I'm slightly distracted and frustrated.

I was going to say that I have a secret that I cant say. But its not a secret and I can say what it is. I just choose not to. It's a continuous event that slowly but surely breaks me down each time I have to witness it. And I only wish I'd know what to do but the the truth is, I don't. There is no correct way of approaching this situation.

This situation is blocking the truths and beauty of everything. It's blinding. Hate is such a strong word, theres no other word to follow hate, but this is something I literally hate. I want to tell someone, but I have fears of how I'm going to be perceived, what they are going to assume, and what friendship holds in the balance of it all. For some reasons, issues such as these are better told to complete strangers. Why? Because a stranger cant judge like a friend can. A stranger can only say thing based on what he knows, which wouldn't be much at all.

Any decision I make to approach this situation will be life changing. All but one. The one option is to ignore it. But I'm no Jesus. I can't make miracles. Eventually, I'll snap.

Edit: Started a...fourth or fifth online diary (these are short lived, trust me) so feel free to check it out! www.godsendtheory.blogspot.com. That's all from me, thanks!

Trust And Betrayal - My Way

I believe in trusting someone only once. Ive never always thought this way but the events that have occured in my life have lead me to be the way i am today. Trust has been an enormous issue throughout my entire life, i have always looked for the good in everyone at first and trusted the person i see and not the person i know.

The betrayal of trust within my life has lead me to take a different view and standing on 'trust' itself, i have learned that you can only trust a person only once because as a quote i remember quite clearly states "If someone betrays you once it is their fault, if someone betrays you twice it is your fault" this was a quote by Elenor Roosevelt. A quote in which i live by now. The people who lead you to believe they are trustworthy should stay that way, but those who betray you once should not be forgiven.

This brings me to another point "forgive and forget", it is something im familiar with but never go with in life, i just dont see how some people can ask for forgiveness when they have commited a crime, betrayed your trust, or just generally done something unforgivable. They should know the consequences and understand the quality of loyalty. I have always believed myself to be one person who anyone can trust with something big, i know i havent got the best qualities for best friend material but i make up with it by being able to listen to someone and getting an understanding of their life so that maybe i can help in some way.

I know not everyone goes with my philosphy on trust and betrayal, everyone has there own opinion and i am aware of that, i dont disagree with how people go about it but my view is clear, if i have been betrayed once, then dont go looking for a second chance because i have given so many out before and had it thrown back in my face which is why i chose my way on trust and betrayal.

The AYWF Debate #1!!

Hey everyone!!

I've been thinking about this for a while and I've finally decided! We are going to start the first ever debate topic. This is how it's going to work. I write the topic in the post and then everybody creates a discussion in the 'comments' section. Keep in mind that ONLY debate posts may have discussion comments (we don't want to flood every single post). Also, feel free to begin your own debate topic but PLEASE try and space them out.

Anyone can comment, you can remain anonymous and there will be no swearing, flaming, spamming of any kind.

Topic: People have the right to live, do they also possess the right to die?