Call im sick
Call im angry
Call im desperate for your voice
As I Lay Waiting....
Call im crying
Call im sad
Call im sick of waiting for you
As I Lay Waiting...
Call im smiling
Call im happy
Call im in love with you
As I Lay waiting...
Call im cutting
Call im hurt
Call im fed up with rejection
As I Lay Waiting....
Call im Bleeding
Call im broken
Call im dying ... dying ... dead
As I Layed Waiting....
Waiting for you to call, because your the only thing that kept me alive.
Waited for you to call, because i thought that you cared about keeping me alive.
Sunday, 30 December 2007
Monday, 24 December 2007
fess
to my dear
calculator boy:
you do realize
that you and i
do not add up?
[i like you anyway.]
tim took me out for tea yesterday. we spent three hours coming to the conclusion that nothing means anything. that the history of philosophy is the build-up to the big reveal... and there is nothing under the velvet cloth. physics and math and wittengstein proved that. i said, 'if i ever kill myself, you will know why. it will be because of physics and language philosophy.' he said, 'i wouldn't do that. i would prefer that you didn't.' i didn't say it, but if he was being consistent with his belief system, he wouldn't care.
we do not add up. i like him anyway. he likes me. we cannot be proved correct and necessary with math or logic. it makes me uncomfortable. i want to point this out to him, to tell him that our official worldviews allow very little room for the sort of relationship we have, but i don't know what to say.
calculator boy:
you do realize
that you and i
do not add up?
[i like you anyway.]
tim took me out for tea yesterday. we spent three hours coming to the conclusion that nothing means anything. that the history of philosophy is the build-up to the big reveal... and there is nothing under the velvet cloth. physics and math and wittengstein proved that. i said, 'if i ever kill myself, you will know why. it will be because of physics and language philosophy.' he said, 'i wouldn't do that. i would prefer that you didn't.' i didn't say it, but if he was being consistent with his belief system, he wouldn't care.
we do not add up. i like him anyway. he likes me. we cannot be proved correct and necessary with math or logic. it makes me uncomfortable. i want to point this out to him, to tell him that our official worldviews allow very little room for the sort of relationship we have, but i don't know what to say.
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Graffiti
I know the majority of these posts have to do with life and living and death and dealing with such things, however I'm going to be quite shallow in this entry.
I spoke to a man on a tram 2 nights ago. He was high or drunk, maybe both and anybody could find him intimidating. As obnoxious as he was, we did share a lot of similar interests. For example, music. Which sparked a ice-breaking conversation, from there we drifted to graffiti.
A lot of people adhere graffiti, but I like to see it as an art. The man on the tram described it as "imagine you sit on the tram...and every wall is white. It's the same. It's boring. We put color!" He was right. I mean, yes it is illegal and I dont condone illegal acts, but the truth of it all is that the tram would be a lot more bland.
Another way I saw this was in toilets while going to clubs. The messages, the song lyrics, stickers, drawings. When it is covered across the wall it is pure art. It is from 100 hearts thrown onto a single wall. And I love to take the time to just sit and stare at it all. In alleyways there is art made anonymously and paintings in modern art museums could not even think to compare.
Graffiti is an art and I stand by that. It is something to admired. I respect the people who endanger themselves to create their masterpieces. But every artist faced sacrifice somewhere in their lives. For graffiti artists, it would be their freedom. For Van Gogh, it would be his ear. For Da Vinci, it would be his safety. And the list goes on.
I spoke to a man on a tram 2 nights ago. He was high or drunk, maybe both and anybody could find him intimidating. As obnoxious as he was, we did share a lot of similar interests. For example, music. Which sparked a ice-breaking conversation, from there we drifted to graffiti.
A lot of people adhere graffiti, but I like to see it as an art. The man on the tram described it as "imagine you sit on the tram...and every wall is white. It's the same. It's boring. We put color!" He was right. I mean, yes it is illegal and I dont condone illegal acts, but the truth of it all is that the tram would be a lot more bland.
Another way I saw this was in toilets while going to clubs. The messages, the song lyrics, stickers, drawings. When it is covered across the wall it is pure art. It is from 100 hearts thrown onto a single wall. And I love to take the time to just sit and stare at it all. In alleyways there is art made anonymously and paintings in modern art museums could not even think to compare.
Graffiti is an art and I stand by that. It is something to admired. I respect the people who endanger themselves to create their masterpieces. But every artist faced sacrifice somewhere in their lives. For graffiti artists, it would be their freedom. For Van Gogh, it would be his ear. For Da Vinci, it would be his safety. And the list goes on.
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Its Bullshit...
You want something so bad and you cant have it
Its Bullshit
To have your feelings torn apart like there nothing
Its Bullshit
To have no self confidence as you sit at the computer wondering why
Its Bullshit
To young to understand love even when you experience it
Its Bullshit
Pushed away, disrespected, treated like the air we breath - used
Its simply Bullshit
Its Bullshit to know people are treated this way, feel this way, like me and feel torn apart emotionally. To many people never realise what they say is really hurting someone. People are driven so far down by people who take peoples feelings and stomp on them that they committ suicide, yet when its all done they didnt even know. I wont lie, i have said some pretty nasty things to people i dislike in my life, but i have come to realise that words hurt more then people think. I have deep regret for the people i have hurt.
We, ourselves are to blame.
Its Bullshit
To have your feelings torn apart like there nothing
Its Bullshit
To have no self confidence as you sit at the computer wondering why
Its Bullshit
To young to understand love even when you experience it
Its Bullshit
Pushed away, disrespected, treated like the air we breath - used
Its simply Bullshit
Its Bullshit to know people are treated this way, feel this way, like me and feel torn apart emotionally. To many people never realise what they say is really hurting someone. People are driven so far down by people who take peoples feelings and stomp on them that they committ suicide, yet when its all done they didnt even know. I wont lie, i have said some pretty nasty things to people i dislike in my life, but i have come to realise that words hurt more then people think. I have deep regret for the people i have hurt.
We, ourselves are to blame.
Guilt
Their bodies combine to make one in a sweet embrace,
and then a movement into a long passionate kiss.
She's up against the wall, push into it as the moment heats up.
He stands close to her, their warmth merges and her heart pounds against her ribs.
Hands explore each other slightly, and an excitement bursts inside them both as they start to move.
The moment is full of lust and desire, as the two seem to be the only people around,
even though they are in an empty room, and no one else would find them.
The excitement slows, and they hold one another, the girl's head on his chest.
What could wreck this moment? An experience the girl had been yearning for for some time.
The rest of the world seemed to reappear as running and crashes can be heard, and friends burst in.
The girl becomes flustered, and she no longer wants to hold the boy, but to escape.
He refuses to let go of her, gently holding her warmly, arms around her stomach.
She stands, still as stone, afraid that something so intimate could have been seen by others.
The two let go, as the friends laugh, and the girl is gone.
Left to think of what she should have done.
Left to feel guilt, even though she was free.
An act that should be made when people trust one another. When people know each other.
Worry floods her mind, without her needing to care.
Morals sink in, and the girl realises, she wished it were someone else, who she can't have.
and then a movement into a long passionate kiss.
She's up against the wall, push into it as the moment heats up.
He stands close to her, their warmth merges and her heart pounds against her ribs.
Hands explore each other slightly, and an excitement bursts inside them both as they start to move.
The moment is full of lust and desire, as the two seem to be the only people around,
even though they are in an empty room, and no one else would find them.
The excitement slows, and they hold one another, the girl's head on his chest.
What could wreck this moment? An experience the girl had been yearning for for some time.
The rest of the world seemed to reappear as running and crashes can be heard, and friends burst in.
The girl becomes flustered, and she no longer wants to hold the boy, but to escape.
He refuses to let go of her, gently holding her warmly, arms around her stomach.
She stands, still as stone, afraid that something so intimate could have been seen by others.
The two let go, as the friends laugh, and the girl is gone.
Left to think of what she should have done.
Left to feel guilt, even though she was free.
An act that should be made when people trust one another. When people know each other.
Worry floods her mind, without her needing to care.
Morals sink in, and the girl realises, she wished it were someone else, who she can't have.
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Obssesive Parents.
I'm sitting in the stands of my sons very last football game. Made him just the boy I had always wanted. Just because he was littler than the rest of the guys doesn?t mean he can't be as good. Had him in the gym 24/7. I hope he surprises me, scores the winning touchdown. Then I would love him so much. Oh, and we never spoke of how he wanted join the local dance studio. I just said it would be our secret. I wouldn?t tell a soul. Ohh wow, their helmets rip the paper banners the cheerleaders made. I can?t see my boy he must be pushed in with all the guys. Into the first quarter I really got into it screamin? ?kill em?, kill em?.? I don?t know there?s just something about the sound bones make that makes me laugh. I wanted to slaughter the other team. When half time rolled around I was sweating along with the players.
Number 47 came up to me with a smirk on his face. He wasn?t my sons friend but then again I didn?t really know any of them, he told me I might want to check the locker room. That he had ?hung? out instead of helping out the team. And he was right, he was right there in the locker room.. hanging.
I didn't actually write this. But i read it and have so many friends who's parents push like this.
Number 47 came up to me with a smirk on his face. He wasn?t my sons friend but then again I didn?t really know any of them, he told me I might want to check the locker room. That he had ?hung? out instead of helping out the team. And he was right, he was right there in the locker room.. hanging.
I didn't actually write this. But i read it and have so many friends who's parents push like this.
Saturday, 15 December 2007
Backward Shyness
WHY!
Now that I have that out of the way - let me explain my brainwaves for today.
I once again have had a lot of time on my hands and it has gotten my thinking about my behaviour, and behaviour in general. I seem to be backwardly shy - I have no trouble talking to people for the first time if I'm at school, or shopping centre, a party.. (I have many many people who can attest to that). I can stand there talking for hours. When my shyness comes in is once the person is actually interested in me - just generally speaking. I shut up shop, no talk, just listen, (that mostly happens in a group situation), or withdraw into my own head. I am so scared of what other people will think of me, what they'll say, that I can't say anything. I just kind of stand back and let people talk amongst themselves, not part of any real conversation.
It's like I am not comfortable around anyone I know, or who knows me. It takes so much effort for me to even say a hello to these people.
And what surprises me the most is the particular groups this happens with. I am used to not knowing what to say to people I want to like me, I want a friendship with, etc.
The people I find I am least comfortable with are people of my own faith, (For those who don't know, I'm a Jehovah's Witness). I can just feel myself being judged every time I go to an assembly, or witnessing. I can't say how I feel because it's looked upon as wrong.. if I say something about the actual religion aspect, that I am having issues with, I get shut down, it's like immediately wrong.
I am finding this incredibly hard to handle, especially since there are many outside my faith that welcome my views and ideas freely without judging me. (I appreciate you guys...!!!)
It makes me wonder whether I should even be there, with that crowd... but then I think the only thing that bugs me is the people... its the beliefs, values, that are supposed to be important right? Not who's there with you? It's just so difficult to keep going when you feel you don't fit. That's probably my fault, right? The lack of speech doesn't help. The way we live is HARD.. that's an understatement. But I can't imagine where I'd be without it. My life would have zero purpose.
I'm beginning to think life minus it would be better... or as a friend of mine said "...I think there's two paths you can take, that's follow the book..which is probably the safest thing to do...or get your own revelation of god and live life that way" I like that take, because religion, beliefs, have to be something YOU are happy with, satisfied with. I have the ideal of never stopping asking questions till I am satisfied with the answer.
Maybe I should ask a few more.
Now that I have that out of the way - let me explain my brainwaves for today.
I once again have had a lot of time on my hands and it has gotten my thinking about my behaviour, and behaviour in general. I seem to be backwardly shy - I have no trouble talking to people for the first time if I'm at school, or shopping centre, a party.. (I have many many people who can attest to that). I can stand there talking for hours. When my shyness comes in is once the person is actually interested in me - just generally speaking. I shut up shop, no talk, just listen, (that mostly happens in a group situation), or withdraw into my own head. I am so scared of what other people will think of me, what they'll say, that I can't say anything. I just kind of stand back and let people talk amongst themselves, not part of any real conversation.
It's like I am not comfortable around anyone I know, or who knows me. It takes so much effort for me to even say a hello to these people.
And what surprises me the most is the particular groups this happens with. I am used to not knowing what to say to people I want to like me, I want a friendship with, etc.
The people I find I am least comfortable with are people of my own faith, (For those who don't know, I'm a Jehovah's Witness). I can just feel myself being judged every time I go to an assembly, or witnessing. I can't say how I feel because it's looked upon as wrong.. if I say something about the actual religion aspect, that I am having issues with, I get shut down, it's like immediately wrong.
I am finding this incredibly hard to handle, especially since there are many outside my faith that welcome my views and ideas freely without judging me. (I appreciate you guys...!!!)
It makes me wonder whether I should even be there, with that crowd... but then I think the only thing that bugs me is the people... its the beliefs, values, that are supposed to be important right? Not who's there with you? It's just so difficult to keep going when you feel you don't fit. That's probably my fault, right? The lack of speech doesn't help. The way we live is HARD.. that's an understatement. But I can't imagine where I'd be without it. My life would have zero purpose.
I'm beginning to think life minus it would be better... or as a friend of mine said "...I think there's two paths you can take, that's follow the book..which is probably the safest thing to do...or get your own revelation of god and live life that way" I like that take, because religion, beliefs, have to be something YOU are happy with, satisfied with. I have the ideal of never stopping asking questions till I am satisfied with the answer.
Maybe I should ask a few more.
Thursday, 13 December 2007
in science and in medicine, i was a stranger, you took me in
the songs are in your eyes
i see them when you smile
i've had enough of romantic love
i'd give it up
yeah i'd give it up
for a miracle drug
would i? would you? i've had more than enough of romantic love, but would i give it up? is there romantic love out there that is worth it? lately i think we should all just forget it and try to save the world instead.
i see them when you smile
i've had enough of romantic love
i'd give it up
yeah i'd give it up
for a miracle drug
would i? would you? i've had more than enough of romantic love, but would i give it up? is there romantic love out there that is worth it? lately i think we should all just forget it and try to save the world instead.
In like and love, and the teenagers in-between
"Lover"
You always think you can see
my heart behind my skin,
and you can touch it with your words
but i dont know where theyve been.
These things sound so rehearsed
and theyre ending just the same,
the vow of suffering together
or to drift and break away.
You tried to make me whole
but it was too much for a need,
to want you as my own,
to fulfill the act of greed.
It's true we're happier apart
than suffocating each other,
but our moods will always change
just like this Melbourne weather.
I wrote this about an hour ago and it is supposed to illustrate the scenario a friend of mine is trapped in. It's about teenage love. Personally, I never intended to find love in my teenage years, I'd feel like a lot of my years to experience love, sex and all its glory had been crammed into a semester at high school and I tried to avoid this feeling at all costs. But sometimes love can just find you out. If it's not a person that can sway your thoughts and dreams from a single gesture or word, then its the longing for a touch, a gesture or word from anybody. It's human to want affection and teenageism stresses these points with the wonderful touches of hormones and estrogen. We are old enough to crush and be crushed but too young to understand why it hurt so much.
Love is a hard topic to talk about, teenage love is just as hard. It is something we want, but everyone could postpone, yet postponing only leads to anxiety and before you can stop yourself from inventing the lust within your mind a moment passes with that person. And then you want another one. Love goes both ways. For me, I felt secure, wanted and never alone. Then I gave that in return. Which can mean that love is a continuous cycle of giving and gracefully accepting what you gave in return. That is the utmost basic mechanics of loving somebody. No matter how much I can talk about love, it will only be scratching the surface of what true love is. The only reason I can't write about true love yet is because, well, I don't think I've felt it.
You always think you can see
my heart behind my skin,
and you can touch it with your words
but i dont know where theyve been.
These things sound so rehearsed
and theyre ending just the same,
the vow of suffering together
or to drift and break away.
You tried to make me whole
but it was too much for a need,
to want you as my own,
to fulfill the act of greed.
It's true we're happier apart
than suffocating each other,
but our moods will always change
just like this Melbourne weather.
I wrote this about an hour ago and it is supposed to illustrate the scenario a friend of mine is trapped in. It's about teenage love. Personally, I never intended to find love in my teenage years, I'd feel like a lot of my years to experience love, sex and all its glory had been crammed into a semester at high school and I tried to avoid this feeling at all costs. But sometimes love can just find you out. If it's not a person that can sway your thoughts and dreams from a single gesture or word, then its the longing for a touch, a gesture or word from anybody. It's human to want affection and teenageism stresses these points with the wonderful touches of hormones and estrogen. We are old enough to crush and be crushed but too young to understand why it hurt so much.
Love is a hard topic to talk about, teenage love is just as hard. It is something we want, but everyone could postpone, yet postponing only leads to anxiety and before you can stop yourself from inventing the lust within your mind a moment passes with that person. And then you want another one. Love goes both ways. For me, I felt secure, wanted and never alone. Then I gave that in return. Which can mean that love is a continuous cycle of giving and gracefully accepting what you gave in return. That is the utmost basic mechanics of loving somebody. No matter how much I can talk about love, it will only be scratching the surface of what true love is. The only reason I can't write about true love yet is because, well, I don't think I've felt it.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
The Fire In The Sea
Technology…
It seems as though now-a-days that too many [insert social group or class of society] are becoming (too) dependant on technology. Sure enough without advances in technology we couldn’t have bigger houses and Internet (the very thing I’m writing on.)
On the other hand I don’t think we needed/wanted bigger wars. The drive to have that one special feature; bigger, smaller, faster, smarter, and stronger. This drive leads people to believe the outcome will be greater then the effort of input.
Especially the petty lengths people go to survive. The last time I checked, robbing a petrol station with a gun to get $500 fast easy cash did more harm than good.
Getaway car $15000
9mm calibre $200
Your life rotting away in jail, priceless (And while your in jail you can use the magic vision of hindsight to say “How fair is life?”)
The fantasy of owning a flying car would be nice. Although like many people I too have a lot of fantasies of unwarranted desires. No tax, no divorcés, no; “I’m sorry we can’t be friends because we let $25 get between us”.
The fact of the matter is;
Why do we need all of this technology?
To show off the latest gadgets that we can’t even work ourselves?
To keep up with the non- existent law which demands of remaining “cool” and “new”
The technology to be yourself?
I think I might buy that...
It seems as though now-a-days that too many [insert social group or class of society] are becoming (too) dependant on technology. Sure enough without advances in technology we couldn’t have bigger houses and Internet (the very thing I’m writing on.)
On the other hand I don’t think we needed/wanted bigger wars. The drive to have that one special feature; bigger, smaller, faster, smarter, and stronger. This drive leads people to believe the outcome will be greater then the effort of input.
Especially the petty lengths people go to survive. The last time I checked, robbing a petrol station with a gun to get $500 fast easy cash did more harm than good.
Getaway car $15000
9mm calibre $200
Your life rotting away in jail, priceless (And while your in jail you can use the magic vision of hindsight to say “How fair is life?”)
The fantasy of owning a flying car would be nice. Although like many people I too have a lot of fantasies of unwarranted desires. No tax, no divorcés, no; “I’m sorry we can’t be friends because we let $25 get between us”.
The fact of the matter is;
Why do we need all of this technology?
To show off the latest gadgets that we can’t even work ourselves?
To keep up with the non- existent law which demands of remaining “cool” and “new”
The technology to be yourself?
I think I might buy that...
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