WHY!
Now that I have that out of the way - let me explain my brainwaves for today.
I once again have had a lot of time on my hands and it has gotten my thinking about my behaviour, and behaviour in general. I seem to be backwardly shy - I have no trouble talking to people for the first time if I'm at school, or shopping centre, a party.. (I have many many people who can attest to that). I can stand there talking for hours. When my shyness comes in is once the person is actually interested in me - just generally speaking. I shut up shop, no talk, just listen, (that mostly happens in a group situation), or withdraw into my own head. I am so scared of what other people will think of me, what they'll say, that I can't say anything. I just kind of stand back and let people talk amongst themselves, not part of any real conversation.
It's like I am not comfortable around anyone I know, or who knows me. It takes so much effort for me to even say a hello to these people.
And what surprises me the most is the particular groups this happens with. I am used to not knowing what to say to people I want to like me, I want a friendship with, etc.
The people I find I am least comfortable with are people of my own faith, (For those who don't know, I'm a Jehovah's Witness). I can just feel myself being judged every time I go to an assembly, or witnessing. I can't say how I feel because it's looked upon as wrong.. if I say something about the actual religion aspect, that I am having issues with, I get shut down, it's like immediately wrong.
I am finding this incredibly hard to handle, especially since there are many outside my faith that welcome my views and ideas freely without judging me. (I appreciate you guys...!!!)
It makes me wonder whether I should even be there, with that crowd... but then I think the only thing that bugs me is the people... its the beliefs, values, that are supposed to be important right? Not who's there with you? It's just so difficult to keep going when you feel you don't fit. That's probably my fault, right? The lack of speech doesn't help. The way we live is HARD.. that's an understatement. But I can't imagine where I'd be without it. My life would have zero purpose.
I'm beginning to think life minus it would be better... or as a friend of mine said "...I think there's two paths you can take, that's follow the book..which is probably the safest thing to do...or get your own revelation of god and live life that way" I like that take, because religion, beliefs, have to be something YOU are happy with, satisfied with. I have the ideal of never stopping asking questions till I am satisfied with the answer.
Maybe I should ask a few more.
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5 comments:
ahh wow, sounds like you're struggling faith-wise. its funny how some people will never conceive a thought about god and be content with a monotonous life, and then there is others who ONLY think about faith and face their hardships but live life with a solid purpose.
i remember this anberlin lyric that said "we're not questioning God, just those he chose to carry on His cross." I understand your a Jehovah's Witness, so you don't believe that Jesus is also God but the meaning I'm trying to draw from the lyric is that many people say they are Christians and it's not about wondering if God exists, its about Christians living with their beliefs.
I never liked preachers because when they spoke to me it felt like they were shoving their beliefs down my throat. sometimes they would read a passage of the bible and express a meaning from it...but my interpretation would be completely different. the thing is, no matter what people tell you, its good to be open minded, but its also necessary to pursue your beliefs consciously and not follow someone elses.
personally, my belief is that i do believe in god, i believe there is only one god and no matter who the person is when they pray their prayer will be heard.
Mahatma Gandhi said "God has no religion."
i know a little bit about how you feel. while i was counseling a cabin full of pre-teen girls at camp this summer, one of the guest musicians confronted me [without having ever spoken to me before] about a shirt i was wearing, and asked "if you are really saved?" i was furious.
i don't think you need to be worried about what your church thinks of you and your beliefs. if you're putting up an impressive facade for them, what value does your faith have? i think integrity is more important than an acceptable impression.
no one has the right to tell you how to think or what to believe. they don't have your best interests in mind if they do.
just in reply to lizzy's comment, i know exactly how that "are you really saved" thing feels. The craziest thing is that the "most religious" people are the ones who judge others the most! (i realise that there are a lot of religious people don't, this is just my experience) from a Christian point of view, the bible is pretty clear on judging others, and i say that it is not for anyone else to judge the actions or beliefs of ANYONE. I don't know what the Jehova's Witness religion really is about (I have many other religions i need to look into actually) but if they were Christian they would be contradicting their own belief - not judging others. And it happens all the time in our Christian churches.
Steph regarding the people of your faith, I know my experience is completely different, but I had to get away from the church I was going to because I was just not comfortable around the people. What I've learnt is that the faith can exist without the people around you - it comes from within you and it is your own beliefs. And when I changed the people I was talking to about my faith, the way I felt about it was completely different - better. It's worth a try. Maybe a different group of people, but the same faith, will be more understanding?
Dear Lizzy and Miki
Thanks for the comments!!!
muchly appreciated (wow such great english lol).
Lizzy - i like the question you posed.. "if you're putting up an impressive facade for them, what value does your faith have?" that makes a lot of sense.. =)
Miki - I would love to have a change of environment.. get away from this group. "Maybe a different group of people, but the same faith, will be more understanding?" I am definitely hoping so.
Yes, we are Christians. What really gets me is the backward way they do judge, and speak of you - I mean its not all of them, some people I really like are there, but the people who seem to somehow influence people are the ones with the sucky opinions. :( yeahh! just a clarification.. not that all of us are mean.. ;)
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