I have always felt as if i had been a single person my entire life, turned out i was not at all and i had been going down 2 separate paths in my life and i never new. I had been thinking that i would never have the trouble of being 2 sided but i know that some of my friends realise I'm very 2 sided and i never wanted to be like that.
I only came to realise a few months back, when i realised that there really was a softer side of me under the aggression, under the one who follows others just to feel like i would be accepted because everyone wants to feel accepted and i know not everyone is because of the way most people are portrayed these days.
I always thought that i was me and me only, but coming to realise this has made me feel quite uneasy about myself and where i really stand in my life. Onto the 2 sides of me firstly what I'm usually known for and secondly what i have become.
First side : i thought i was quite aggressive and toyed a lot with risks and would back down immediately if i was against the odds. Somewhat of a follower, try hard and yes i admit i have back stabbed a few people before and mislead a lot of people which looking back on it i did not like
Second side : With this side of me i feel refreshed like i have been given a second chance. I care so much for peoples well being and opinions, i always give my honesty and not go with whatever my friends think. I like helping others and have a broader mind filled with many many things.
I have always been worried about what others think of me but now I'm more concerned with what my friends think of me. Some of the people like Chris has become somewhat of a close friend and i trust and he has shown me the new side of me i really have him to thank because i really enjoy the newer side of me. Those who know me by the caring way are those who really have not known me quite long maybe 1-3 years if that. The ones who have known me longer know me by the first side which is why i am worried.
I am worried that if i sway more to the caring side the friends Ive known for a while will become more the friends i 'once new', I'm really confused and frustrated with myself because i feel like I'm pressured to be someone I'm not, the real question is who am i really? Side 1 or 2 and which do i choose because i do not want to be known for being 2 faced that's for sure.
3 comments:
well, firstly, im gunna say thank you so much for allowing me into your life, your an awesome person and i wouldnt want you any other way!
now about the blog! a great write. i see what your saying. but you know, your situation is more complicated that most others. because both sides ARE you. often we hear about a girl who wants to fit in and she is befriended by a blonde wretch who forces her to become someone she isnt. its nothing like that here.
these are both your sides. i think its fine to feel comfortable in a group being who you are as (1), and then when you throw trust into relationships with people, its totally fine to act as you do as (2).
if this didnt make sense let me know haha
Lots of Honesty.. I like.
I don't really know if I have been two sided a lot through my life.. all I have seen is my constant evolving to try and be a person I want to be, be the person I want to be seen as. Unfortunately I usually end up missunderstood in my ground, and looking stupid.
oooh the pleasantness...
I can imagine this is hard for you... no one likes the prospect of losing friends over things.. but I guess it's all coming down to a few things.
Everyone changes in their teenage years (don't I shound out of it) - a friend of mine once said "This is how these people will be for the rest of their lives. If you don't like it, get out of it now."
No offence, but if your friends can't accept you for what you are, who you are, and your sides, I'm not sure they are worth having.
Friends are meant to help you through life, not make things more difficult. I know it would be hard as to let go of people you care about, especially people you've had in close quarters for quite while. I've had something in a relative sense related to things like this, but in this case I didn't like the changes I had seen in the person... so I basically.. dealt them out. I did it badly... hurt them a lot, but we are "friends" now... in a relative sense again. Not heaps close, but still.. around.
Again, extremely difficult working out who you really reallly reallllllly are. I wish you good luck and not too much hurt in finding out, and the choices you make..
I'm not sure any of this makes sense... if it is incredibly weird just put it down to me being steph and slightly idiotic. don't hold it against me ;)
steph xxo
"Friends are meant to help you through life, not make things more difficult."
I really like this line!! :D
oh yeah, dont think your the only one who has more than one sides. im not going to lie, there are things i would/ wouldnt do around different people i hang around. there is more than one side to me, im not sure if its enough to say that its an entire other 'face' of me, but it isnt the same.
we all do our fair share of things we dont usually feel obliged to do but do it anyway just to get yourself into a group haha...i suppose thats why i love the table that i sit at at school these days, theres none of that, you just sit if you feel like and say whatever you want to say.
i know its tough having indecisions with your heart and your mind but its ok make this scenario about YOU, if theres people who just dont accept YOU for who YOU are...then id question that friendship.
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