Today has been a good day, but I just don't feel right at all. As if there is something I've forgotten to do, or maybe something I did do but regret doing, or something intend to do but just haven't done it yet.
This feeling is agitating because it will not cease until I find out what it is, so writing this I'm actually hoping that I will trigger off something in my mind. Today a friend of mine wished a loved one goodbye. I have yet to experience such pain as this. A permanent loss, a living breathing person, that is not living or breathing anymore. This person has a family. That family is moving on without him for the first time ever. It must be very life-changing to realize that something life-ending could be so traumatizing.
I lost my grandfather at a young age. I didn't go to the funeral, I was too young. I didn't understand. But I remember him telling me in very broken English that he was going to be saved very soon. That was the last I saw of him. Saved. He had died. But perhaps being saved meant someone came for him to relieve him of the cancer he had endured for so long. I'll never forget how healthy and rotund he looked one day and how fragile and limp he looked the next. His skin was a corpse-colour white. The family is standing, acting happy but the awkwardness is so hard to ignore, so difficult to look past when everyones eyes are fixated to one person and I feel like I am frozen in time.
The pain of losing someone is tragic. However, "rather love and lost than never loved at all."
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