I am scared to death of losing people I love. But I tend to push peole away. I get a bit scared when someone is very close to me. I find it unnerving when they can tell when I am upset even if I am covering it up. I get annoyed when the ask me a million times "Are you ok?". Why? Good question. They are only trying to see if I'm alright because they care about me. That's nice.
I don't want to go to sleep at night because I don't want to dream. Sometimes I have the most whacked out dreams, I wake up and I am like "What the.. that was weird." In others I am being chased by a serial killer. Why the hell would a serial killer want to kill me? Apart from the fact they are obviously insane, what makes me so important? *Vanity*. Other times, my drams remind me too much of reality. Nightmares about what I've done in the past, or hat could happen in the future. It terrifies me because there are possibilities, that it could happen. My best friend could turn her baqck on me after I have hurt her so many times. One of the biggest pillars in my life could disappear in the blink of an eye.
I don't want to stay awake at night because lack of sleep makes me deranged.
I have a group of really amazing friends, who I push away through my words, my thoughts, and my actions. With people I have opened up to... I sometimes go into major shutdown. I feel so bad sometimes about this, I mean I really don't like some of the people I hang out with on the daily, but I act like their friends. I hate being fake. Hypocritical or what. One girl in my main group, clicke whatever you want to call it, is not on the greatest terms with me. She has caused me so much hurt and pain, has the gaul to attack one of my best friends, and practically everyone else she lays eyes on. In some ways I guess I am jealous of her, she has lots of freedom compared to me. Anyone has lots of freedom compared to me. But I have a choice, and I have made my mind up with regards my life. She has her choices too. What I think of them, in the long run, doesn't really matter. I have to be able to live with mine.
I had a boyfriend who I adored totally who now, I am scared to see. I don't want to say a lot on this particular topic as everyone on this site (I think) knows the person and that's just rude. But yeah... things were good, things were made bad by (guess who!!! i would jump up and down and say pick me pick me, but I don't really want to, it's a waste of the energy I already lack, but yeah, you get the point?), then things were weird, and now it's just so damn complicated. He makes me sad. But happy. I think I am good at being a friend now. Then again, it get's complicated.
I have a supportive, wonderful family. Full Stop! I treat them like crap sometimes... I say the worst things. But yeah.. I do love them... incase it was unclear.
There are so many things I can't say out loud, I guess that's why I write. Not exactly saying it, but it gets everything, out there. I like the freedom of expression. I like getting peoples opinions, but I guess I find it easier by posting on a site like this, or my poetry site than face-to-face. I am too worried about what other people think of what I say.
I am too scared of what other poeple think. I watch what I say, how I act, generally everything I do because of this fear. I wrote something a while back along these lines:
"I guess I want to be "accepted" subconciously... but me now (not in a confronting situation), doesn't really want their acceptance. These people are people I don't want to, care to, need to, or desire to be accepted by. I don't like them."
Then, a smart little Chris said to me "I think you are TELLING yourself you 'dont care' about certain things just hoping to believe what you say.", and now... I agree. I am just hoping one day I'll grow out of wanting their acceptance. Even after the people I don't think I like, there are people I know I want to accept me. Be my friend (with the chainsaw.... bad joke) !!! And I think about what they must see when they look at me (here comes all the low self esteem blah blah that I am going to skip.. you don't need to know at this point in time how low I think of myself) , what could I possibly say to keep them talking, even if it's not being me
... and then remind myself "They aren't worth being friends with if they don't like you just as is" so I don't try to impress, I just.. flow.. and see if it works. Sometimes it does, and I have so many amazing people around me, as my friends, to prove that. And enough stress to prove the first theory. Too hung up.
I ask myself why I feel like this (see above examples) about things, why it turned out like this, why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am... I guess life is just a big journey of self discovery. We never stop learning. We never stop taking in information. We never stop forming opinions. We never stop.
I have so many questions about all of the things around me, sometimes I am too scared to ask, too afraid of the answers I'll get.
I want that to stop, today.
I want to be able to ask without feeling like an idiot.
I want to live without being scared.
I want to be able to show my friends I care about them.
I want to be open with someone without being wary of them.
I just want to go for it. Just live.
Let's see how that goes.
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2 comments:
Really was long wasnt it lol. i'll start off by saying that ur not the only one who feels they want acceptance .. im pretty sure everyone wants that but not everyone recieves it. Thats just the way of life unfortunatly although if you just be yourself then the people who like who you are are the people who will accpet you obviously. You really just have to be yourself and take on life as it hits you .. take every hit and learn from it ... become stronger and move forward in life, continue learning as you said and experience life as you want to experience it. It is never easy to just say what you said in bold and actually follow through with it .. it will take time no doubt but id suggest not charging at them head on .. take your time, your mature for your age but your still young so you have your entire life ahead of you. Good write :) Looking forward to your next one
WOW!! what an awesome introductory piece, theres a lot about you in it, even if you dont realize...and one BIG thing we encourage here is being you.
"Anybody who is real to themselves,who talk about real things, that happen in real life, to real people. We want to hear what you have to say."
thats what we're all about!
anyway!! being scared of what other people think of you...is something we ALL face...and hopefully, all come to terms with. we want to be who we want to be aswell as being accepted into the crowds.
unlucky for me...my interests didnt really blend with many other people. I guess what made me love the way I am...is the fact that i AM different. and you should feel the same way! You're you. So be you! theres absolutely nothing wrong with that!
very awesome write, you soooo need to write more :D
(ps: thanks for that kind little reference to me, much appreciated haha always here to help!)
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