My Thoughts

It is now 12:56am and i have not had the best of days let alone weeks. I have felt better then i have before and many things are on my mind some in which i dont wish to discuss or tell because they're personal.

First of all, i am down on myself right now. I feel as if nothing is right and things are starting to look down in my life and i just cant pull myself together, my mind is flooded with self related issues and topped off by a swirling hurricane of other matters. Im down on myself for not completing my set goals for this year.

First goal - I wanted my school work to be finished to the best of my abilities and at a reasonable pace

Second goal - make sure i look after myself, friends and family.

Third goal - becoming fit and healthy and gather a little self confidense.

So far none of the above have been completed or even been close to completion, and i know its only half way through the year but the signs are looking down. The spiral continues to look down as i combat issues within my life in which are becoming some what of a burden. I feel as if im carrying to much on my shoulders or its just i have become weak and almost given up.

Im listening to Choke by a band called Cauterize and lyrics run by me "Just give me one last chance to say this. Just give me one last chance to say whats on my mind, and i will get it right" i feel as if i could say something so simple over and over and over again and yet i wont ever get it right .. maybe one more chance i will get it right.. maybe if i try and put everything into a last 'hoorah' i can get myself above the water so to speak.

Ive always thought of just giving up but if i do that my friends will always try to pick me up again and i would feel even more a burden to them, i would never want to cause trouble or hurt because it would come back at me and i would feel down again. Im thinking so much that the smallest things would make me feel as though it could bring me down. 'Im an elephant sitting on top of a 100 year old wooden fence .. the slightest gust of wind could bring me down'

Tonight i had been told to think positive, that something good will happen .. she "promised". At the time all i could think about was how ridiculous that sounded because i had done nothing to deserve something good happen to me, well i had felt i hadnt. She is very inspiring, and can make you smile without speaking a word, was i to trust her?. I felt as if maybe she was right and maybe things will get on track again .. that everything is happening only to test me or to drive me forward to help me realise how badly i might want something .. or help me realise that i need to drive myself forward to achieve the set goals i made at the start of the year, which ever it is i have a brighter feeling on my future, that i should start anew and move past this to be where i want to be. Thanks to her i feel refreshed.

Although not everything will be ok even if i were to start fresh .. there are personal matters in which may not change .. one in which maybe soon .. or maybe later, make me shed my tears for the first time in a while .. a death in the family which i will not shed light on here. If this is all just a test then im all for it, bring it on because im going to pass.