I was so tense tonight .. i felt as if maybe i had been carrying something on my mind i shouldnt be, it was as if my brain was melting asking myself what am i doing? My very close mate chris (moderator of AYWF) had his 18th Birthday party tonight, i couldnt be happier for the guy seeing though he is very unique and thats what i like about him. Happy 18th Chris.
To my story, the night was young and i was happy. I new i was not going to drink much i had planned it so i would not get drunk, i wanted to stay on level terms with myself so that i didnt go around making a fool of myself infront of like 100 people. The real story begins mid way through the party ... 'My Realisation'
Part One:
I was sitting alongside my mates staring into nothingness being asked "are you ok?" or "is everything alright?" by several people, i quickly replied "im fine" with a fake plastic smile on my face. I was not really that ok, its not that i was bored i really enjoyed the party, just curtain frame of mind that kept me from enjoying it with my friends.
I watched on as i saw friends and people i had never seen before hit the dance floor, moving as if nothing mattered as if no one cared how good or bad their dancing was. My wake up call, it struck me seconds later ... what is really stopping me from enjoying such a great party, well it was right in front of me the entire time, simply no self confidense.
I was never really confident but tonight just really help me see how bad it was, and how bad it has become because i have tried many times to push myself to do things with people i had not met by talking to them and all that stuff, i guess i am a bit shy.
Part two:
I was sitting down most of the night glaring on at others having a ball, really enjoying themselves. I came to a second realisation. Love, maybe i am in love or maybe im not .. i was not sure at the time .. out of all the people on the dance floor, one stood out in my mind. My heart was beating quite fast and it felt heavy, my mind had been set on nothing but her, she was amazing.
Maybe it was a sudden burst i have been getting ... i dont think i felt one like this though, i mean i barely talk to her in person or anything but we are friends. This is where the two parts link because she had come past and had said to me "come dance" and right now have regretted each passing second for turning away and shaking my head. I know i should live life and live with no regrets but it was hard not to i just wish i had been confident enough to go and dance with her.
Im not sure what this all means but i have taken a long hard look at tonight and ive come to the realisation that this .. is my wake up call. Im going out to start focusing on a main goal which is to live life to its fullest, one other thing, im going to become fit and healthy, and as soon as i do i just know i will have confidense again .. maybe to speak with her more often.
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3 comments:
Wow..
Thanks for sharing this...
I am not sure what to say exactly, but I will type and see what comes.
I relate to this on a couple of levels.. it's nice to know I'm not the only one... so to speak even though it's silly of me if I feel alone.
Self confidence.. it's tricky. I feel bad, as I don't feel I have had a heap of trouble in that department. But I do find myself keeping myself from doing what I want to do, saying what I ... need to in a way, because of it. I am mostly terrified of what people think of me. 24/7. I contantly think I am being judged, as how I come across without people even getting to know me.
I have come to realise recently... I am a hell of alot more judgemental than others. I hate that about me... its so bad. I sit there and ..its like my whole.. soul/body whatever you'd call it is going to explode out of me. Then there'll be me in a million peices.. or my throat feels suddenly incredibly tight.. and I can't speak without lots of stuttering, or my voice being shaky... its annoying as.. and then later I'm like.. "What the.. why!?" but yeahh. It's no fun being this shy/in fear.
A friend of mine... she is my best friend in many many respects, but when we are out, doing stuff, that's supposed to be fun, it kinda shatters me looking at her seeing how, shy, scared, even vulnerable she is because of her extreme lack of self confidence. I don't know how to help... ? There's a lot of uderlying issues with her though, that contribute to how she feels about things.
Getting up the confidence to talk to someone you have feelings for is.. insanely difficult.. (well for me anyway...) especially when you have.. confidence problems. I don't really know how to help.. other than say... just take the plunge - go for it. it's not that simple, seemingly, i know... been there done that. But.. at the same time, once you've done it, it's not that bad.
Like getting in a pool, so cold and "ahhh" at first, but ohhh nice once you're used to it - I mean that in the best way possible... it's ok. It's really good your.. resolve to try it. Good for you!!!!
...Now! After reading all that and thinking "wtf" go! listen to the wake up call... =)
Thanks again for sharing,
steph xo
Yeah i see what your saying, and i relate to the "24/7. I contantly think I am being judged" i hate it but then again im or was one to judge someone i think i have changed now i have many people to thank in that respects i feel i have seen a new way of life by knowing chris although i dont want to be him because i want to be myself it is just how he percieves the world its helped me realise where i stand and how im going about myself to others. anyway staying on subject confidense has always been a big issue for me and there is no real way of helping someone with this except by telling them what a beautiful person they are and its all who they are that counts not the outside. Its never easy to just go and talk to someone you feel that you like/love the fear of saying something that will make them hate you or something like that .. then again being yourself is what everyone wants to see. Thanks for the comment i enjoy reading them and recieving as much feedback as possible.
if thats not an amazing realization then i dont know what is!
i was like that, i was virtually PULLED onto the dancefloor before even thinking about dancing. but i guess one thing i never want to be is someone who is constantly scared of what they are going to be seen as. why should i care? wearing the "LOVE" top yesterday shows confidence in itself cause its a very outstanding top, its not something everyone would wear, but because i showed that i didnt care, that i wanted to wear a top that had the word LOVE on it, everyone acknowledges that ive got confidence.
In life every single second that goes by, we are in no way getting back. it comes down to: who do you want to be? what do you really want to do?
my advice:
"dance like no ones looking"
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