Have you ever been asked to say something about yourself, like in a quiz, or test, something like that?Well.. I have. I have found sometimes when asked to say something personal, I think "I find it hard to open up to people." I have noticed that this is in a weird way.
If I have recently met a person, or known of them a while and then start talking to them, I quite easily talk to them about anything and everything. Even if it's really personal. Then when it comes to the people I refer to as my close circle of friends, I don't really tlak - I tend to put distance between us like that. Even physically, I don't really sit with them all if I don't have to.
Me being me, am trying to figure out why.
I guess one reason is my constant fear of getting hurt. I have had the experience of my 'best friends' back stabbing me, and telling people what I have said in confidence. All the time going aorund our little circle is something along these lines: "so-and-so did this/said that ... but I was sworn to secrecy, you can't tell anyone, blah-blah who told me was told not to tell anyone, so-and-so can't know you know!!!" I'll admit most of the information I receive this was I am intrigued by. While all this is going on, I a sitting there thinking, "What does sworn to secrecy mean to you?!". Some of the things I have told my friends, need not go any further. If I wanted anyone else to know, they would know. I get this feeling after I tell them things sometimes... like I can hear the whispers starting already.
Another thing more in relation to how I feel about things/people...
Sometimes when people ask me questions about how I feel about them, I tell them what I think they want to hear because I am either scared I'll hurt them, or scared of what they'll think of me. Other times I will look at the person think "I should trust them...", take a leap of faith, and say exactly what I am feeling. I should probably point out that that is usually when I think I know what the other person is going to say - or am being 'hopelessly hopeful'.
Unfortunately, every single time I have taken that plunge, it has backfired and I have been left to feel awkward and sorry I said anything.
Stop. Think.
Why in the world should I be sorry for how I feel? They are my feelings, unique to me.
To feel sorry for how I feel, is like being sorry for being myself. No one should ever have to apologize for being themselves. It's like saying you're sorry for breathing!
There's a song I like, it's by Kid Courageous, called "One In A Million". There's one line in particular I'd like to share:
"So if I take a chance on you, and fall flat on my face, at least I know I tried."
I'm the one who has to live with the decisions I make. If I live to regret things I've done/didn't do, that's my burden to carry. I don't want to be the one always asking "what if...?" and thinking "if only...". I want to know I did what I could at the time that I thought was right to do.
Regret is a hard thing to live with.
For now, all "what if...?"s and "if only.."s aside
I know I tried.
2 comments:
wow! very nice! so true though. secrets are a public announcement in a low voice, everyone will know! there are only few people you can trust with a real secret. the once who mean everything to you and vice versa.
and then white lying to make someone else feel better, when people ask questions like that i suddenly think they require my friendship for all the wrong reasons. i dont want to warm to someone who only uses their friends to make themselves feel better about themselves. because i KNOW they expect a positive reply, i KNOW they are expect me to say "no way, i think your awesome!"
anyway, haha i was sorta venting then. very good write! loved it.
Its only your second write and im already interested in the next and the ones to follow because you can express yourself in the blog and make it easy for the reader to understand where your coming from and give an insight to what your going through. It was a really good write and i understand you quite clearly, the only thing i'll touch on is how your telling people what you think they want to hear. I guess by doing that there going to expect the same answer over and over and you will become quite predictable, now i dont know about you but i hate being predictable, and not long ago my best friend said "i can read you like a book" that kinda hurt in a way because it feels like he is going to know my next move or how im going to feel about everything. Probably not making sense with the predictability part there but i hope you get my point, all in all i enjoyed this one and cant wait for your next.
On behalf of AYWF (chris and i) we thank you for contributing.
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