It has been a while since i have posted or even checked AYWF. I promised myself so much for this, the new me, the new feeling i had inside. I guess i am fake? or maybe it was just wishful thinking.
All my life i have always felt the urge to let everything inside me out, to just one night, day, evening let everything i am feeling about life, hope, love, family, and anything else inside ones life. I hold back and i 'bottle up' and continue living as if the bottle top is screwed on to its absolute maximum.
Ive shown signs of bursting out, whether its an emotional rage, or an act of kindness. I tell myself, who is willing to take anything and everything i have to say, some of the stuff i do not even think that friends will stay to hear. Am i frightened? scared? emotional? i feel like i should stay bottled up to protect those around me.
Every time i burst i have the feeling that its going to actually all come out, somehow im residing as the burst of anger i display is growing. Is that possible? Every post on AYWF is resembling some form of me. I am not really thinking of others, i just write. I realise that being bottled up your losing air, to breath, to live. Maybe it is suppose to be that way, that someday im going to be my own downfall, that i would die because there was something that needed to be said and i never let it out.
For every burst i unleash upon someone, i feel like i am opening up a hole inside the bottle, my life. I gasp for air on so many occasions that i feel the need to burst. How much longer can i drag this out before i run out of air? To be free? to live life to the full? I am a mind of questions yet when it comes to asking someone a question i am in a deep hole filled with nothing but white writing on white walls. There are days in which i feel like i could burst out and free myself from the suffering, but there are days where i think about it so much that it makes the bottle cap tighter.
Live life to the full ey', place that fake plastic smile upon my face and say everything is ok once again. Its just another day i say, another day in paradise *voice turns sarcastic*. Live and be free, life is just another cliche.
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3 comments:
well welcome back! nice write. so i guess your having some 'opening up' troubles. thats tough, i mean anyone can say 'just let it out, its good for you' and dont get me wrong, thats true, it is VERY good, but its easier said than done.
ive had these occasion where i want to tell someone something and they just arnt there at that time and i feel my chest just get so tight and i have no idea what to do with the secret i have. i think that must be the same for you. maybe you just have to find that person and say 'look, its important, i need to let some of this stuff out'.
im not telling you what to do, this is usually how i cope with it, you might find another way but yeah, i can relate to what your saying.
again, welcome back!
hi james!i wish i could help!
I read something the other day: When we wake up in the morning, we have two simple choices. Go back to sleep and dream, or wake up and chase those dreams. The choice is yours.
I know it never seems this simple, but it all really comes down to our choices. Choose how you want to live your life - you can accept the situation or you can do something to change it.
nice to "meet" u. lol if you can count it as that.
i feel like everything i write is a small piece of myself, but not a justifying or integrated picture. i feel like i have to keep certain things inside me, so as not to hurt others. i feel like whatever comes out of me - essays, poems, drawings, photographs - is somehow cursing the world with undue pain. i know how you feel.
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