I think I'm the obsessive kind of lover. But I was not always that way, over time my heart had quietly longed for something, and its need grew. I'm the kind of guy who has been single for far too long to take the chance of 'taking things slow'. The kind that urges for some sort of reassurance. Had I of never met them I would never feel anything for them, but I have met them and I feel something. My feelings and thoughts often become confused with each other and I panic. Do I step back, or forward, or not at all? Do I tell the truth, use romanticized tactics or wait?
The other day I wrote down "I was inevitably crushed by a crush. Of course it was going to hurt. No matter how long you know someone, how well or even how much you think of them, a crush will always end. Always. From there it becomes nothing, or everything. The end or the beginning lies at the end of a crush's road. What I didn't accept from people was 'it wasn't meant to be', which I do not believe to be true whatsoever. If things happen for reasons and misfortune brings something that is 'not meant to be', then was it meant to be that I should have been crushed or even met the person in the first place?
And so now I sit here, not talking, just staring that computer screen with the longing for a 'hello' from the person I am destined never to be with. And I'll wait until the clock strikes twelve and I will give up. But my thoughts of them will continue. I felt invited to their lives only to arrive at the door with it being locked. Call me and lock me out. And now I have to walk home alone again."
What do you do in these situations? So many people cancel the theory of love at first sight and also won't believe that love can start as a seed and blossom into something beautiful. I'm repeatedly told that love won't work if two people do not feel the same from the start. Then were all those romance movies in vain? The girl who had it all vs. the guy who fell short of anything bearable in his life and yet he somehow 'won' her over.
Do you wait for them to be ready? Do you make the opportunities or wait for them to come? In a sense, a crush is the happiest kind of loneliness, so close to something and riding on the edge of what could be nothing at all. Just like the song, "There Is No Mathematics To Love and Loss", I don't believe there is any real way to fall in love other than the way you already have. Is it really possible to love like you have never been hurt? Because to be honest, right now I am hurting like I have never been loved.
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3 comments:
this was eloquent. i'm not sure if all your questions were rhetorical ones, of if you wanted them answered, but these are my thoughts:
i've been crushed by crushes, i've been untouched by crushes, i've cycled through crushes, i've had one recurring crush. they were attraction at first sight, but they were nothing like love. i don't know if i know what love is, even in a general sense. there is a school of thought that holds that you cannot know something unless you have lived it - i suspect i may be too selfish to know what love is. HOWEVER. if i do have any insight at all, i think that love that be sparked in a myriad of ways, over varying time frames, in different circumstances. it can survive in a myriad of ways. for myself though, if nonsensical adoration and attraction are the main features of my thoughts and feelings about someone, i call it anything but love. i call it me satisfying a rather stupid daydream. i think that love has to be built on friendship, patience, an attempt at understanding. i've always tried to avoid sounding this cheesey, but i agree with the proverb about ideal lovers who look forward in the same direction, rather than at each other. because often, looking at each other and nothing else is just like looking into a mirror. it's selfish, and will end up crushing you.
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Courageous is the word that comes to mind.
I dont believe in 'love at first sight' because it is really is just a flirtatious remark or slur from one person to another. It's merely physical attraction rather than experiencing 'love'.
Can love exist when two strangers first meet? No, of course not.
Love and relationships in general are two-way streets, if one person doesnt commit to the other person than it becomes evident what the person should do.
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